In my junior year of high-school, I met a wonderful man named Ben. He lived an hour an a half away in Illinois and he was in college. He was funny, smart, cute, and most importantly, he was social. We would spend all day every day on the phone and eventually we fell in love. But, leading up to that I learned something that made things a little difficult: he had autism.
Now, of course there is nothing wrong with autism, but unfortunately, I wasn't even aware of exactly what it was. So of course, just like everyone does, I got to Googling. I quickly found out that autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder in which from a young age, people have trouble communicating with others and have unique repetitive behaviors. I thought that was the extent of it; he was shy. But boy was I wrong. There is an entire autism spectrum with different types of autism and categories and types and all sorts of different issues those on this spectrum can have. To add to that, what I was reading barely covered it because no two people with autism are the same. I then learned that his autism lands mostly in the Asperger's spectrum. Back to Google. Basically "aspies" have massive concentration on certain things for different periods of time. These "interests" can become quite obsessive. After reading more about this, I started seeing how this fit into his everyday behavior and how much it affected him.
When I first met Ben he was a kinesiology major and planning to become a personal trainer and then go on to create prosthetics for disabled people. He worked out twice a day at the gym, had protein shakes every afternoon before work and had at least twenty different powder flavors. He even watched youtube videos on workout routines, owned Captain America and Superman everything (especially workout clothes) and ate healthier than I ever would think of. This lasted for years before me and awhile after we met. He had an incredibly narrow interest in body building and it was all he thought about, did, or read about. Next, I moved in with him and he stopped going to the gym, sold his protein powders and traded the asparagus for brownies. Before I knew it we had watched up to season 5 of the Vampire Diaries in a week and a half. Then, he began watching The Originals (a spinoff series), while I was at work; that was obsession number two. Next came How I Met Your Mother; he finished the entire series in two weeks on top of working a full time job and running a six bedroom house. The list goes on with more and more shows, but you can clearly see how it quickly turns from an innocent hobby to an addictive and limited obsession.
About a year ago Ben and I went to Indiana to a concert. We got in for a cheaper price because we were designated drivers, but while I was chatting with friends I had missed Ben's frantic stressing. When I finally got back to him, he couldn't breathe, was sweating, and had his ears covered. The loudness of the band and the very large crowd surrounding him was overwhelming. There was too much to focus on. People with autism are incredibly sensitive to sound, light, etc. and trying to focus on what people are saying (how they are meaning it) is difficult enough for him, let alone with all of the added distraction. Next thing I see is him running at full speed to the parking lot holding his chest and panting. Needless to say, after he calmed down, he spent the rest of the night in the car away from the people which ended our night out abruptly.
Something that is very hard to explain is our fights. As I said before, autistic people have trouble interpreting people's actions. They hear your words perfectly fine but it can be difficult for Ben to read into it and find out if I'm angry, sad, being sarcastic, etc. just with my words. When people don't throw in an obvious facial expression to go with what they are saying, it can be hard for him to tell if you're being serious or joking. It can also be a struggle for him to understand why things hurt people or make them angry when said. For example, early in our relationship if I asked him: "Why can't you come over tonight?" he would respond like this: "Well I paid for all of your birthday. I paid for your ticket to the zoo and both of our dinners and your present so I don't have any money now." And I would interpret that as "I blew my money on you so I don't have any left for the stuff I need." When really he just meant it as an explanation, not an accusation. But he didn't grasp that something so simple could be taken that way because in his head, it makes perfect sense, but to us, it's insulting. Now that we have been together for a few years, he has learned what not to say and what will hurt or anger me so those arguments are much more rare, but still occur with both me and close friends and family. It's something we have to learn. We have all had to acknowledge that we have to be sensitive to his insensitivity and explain things to him every now and again and NOT take it personally.
Ben also has no issue not talking. At all... like ever. I read some time ago in an article about Asperger's that it makes people behave like the "stereotypical man" which is unbelievably true. He could not be more of a man if the heavens injected him with ungodly amounts of testosterone than humanly conceivable. Communication is a big issue for us. I want to talk about our issues, he thinks that there is no need to because we know what they are and can work on them. He wants to text me "I love you" before work because talking on the phone is "awkward" because he has trouble understanding people when he can't see their faces. It's like running circles around a merry-go-round trying to talk to this guy. He likes staying quiet, he likes alone time, he likes being in his own head so most of the time, it's best just to leave him be until he comes to me which is undoubtabley difficult for girls like me especially since sometimes, it can take weeks for him to be ready to talk.
Dating someone with autism is one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. It is exhausting. It means that sometimes you have to stay in and watch reruns instead of going to that party at your friends. It means keeping things in until he is ready to take them on. It means being there for each other more than most other couples because only the two of you understand. It means being patient and calm when all you want to do is yell and cry. It's frustrating, it gives you headaches, and sometimes it feels like you're dating yourself. His latest obsession is cooking, his passion, which he also got his dream job in. Let me tell you, when his interest is in a place of work and not in your house, it's so hard to make time for each other. So yes, dating Ben can be too hard to handle sometimes and ever so lonely. But, on top of everything that I've said, he's also loyal. He sticks to his word when he makes a promise to me because of that stubborn will he has. He will watch my shows with me because he gets overly invested in them. He focuses on me more than anyone else ever has, not just because he has to but because he wants to understand me just as much as I want to understand him. He tells the truth because he is too honest. He doesn't hide things because he is blunt. He tells me exactly what he means, including when he says "I love you. I choose you." I am always learning new things about him and autism and I probably will never come close to knowing it all. But, I do know that I'm more than thrilled to be his most constant "narrow interest".
