My boyfriend and I have been dating for approximately one year and two months. That is around 426 days. Considering I have at least two cups of coffee a day, that is around 852 cups of coffee. I have consumed nearly 1,000 cups of caffeine during the time in which I have been dating my boyfriend. Don’t tell my doctor.
I know I have a problem, don’t worry. I have been consuming caffeine religiously since the 8th grade. My obsession only grew the older I got and the busier my days became. When I left for college, I entered the big leagues. Academically induced all-nighters became a regular occurrence, and I needed at least three cups of coffee a day, plus a mid afternoon nap, just to function like a normal human being. Before you embark on the tumultuous journey of dating a caffeine fanatic, it is imperative you know the following things.
We will have withdrawals.
We refuse to leave the house in the morning without our beloved to-go mug. It doesn’t matter if we are running late to class, we would rather be late and awake than suffer the pain of withdrawal. A caffeine addiction is similar to any other kind of drug addiction. If there is ever a day I go without having at least one cup of coffee, I become feverish, irritable, and break out into a cold sweat. I even get severe migraines. I’m serious, people, I physically need my coffee.
We aren’t morning people.
“Life doesn’t start til after coffee.” I saw that on Pinterest somewhere, so I can’t claim that quote, but it’s true. Pre-caffeinated Alli has messy hair, no bra on, and probably has resting bitch face. Caffeinated Alli still has messy hair, and maybe a bra on, but at least she’ll actually have a conversation with you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
We will most likely bring our own when we go out of town.
Last year, my boyfriend invited me on his mountain weekend formal. As excited as I was, all I could think about was whether or not there would be a coffee pot. In order to prevent such a catastrophe, I purchased those four pack Starbucks fraps and brought them with me. Crisis averted. When you’re addicted to caffeine, you never want to risk being without it.
We have to pee a lot.
The more you drink, the more you pee. That’s just science. Expect a lot of bathroom breaks when traveling, and if you take us to the movies, we will probably have to excuse ourselves at least once.
We prefer to study at coffee shops.
The more caffeine we have in our system, the more alert we are. We never know when a crash will hit and we will need to feed into our addiction. Less time will be spent studying in the library and more time will be spent studying at coffee shops or restaurants, where an unlimited supply of caffeine is just a few steps away.
