Most people would define domestic abuse as unwarranted violent actions against your significant other, and while that statement is true, drawing the line there does not acknowledge the other prevalent forms of abuse in relationships. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, mental, and sexual in nature. Just because you are not being hit does not mean your relationship with someone exhibiting any of these forms of abuse is safe. That relationship is toxic and harmful, but many either are not aware that what they are going through is abuse, or they are ashamed to speak up because they feel they are to blame,or that the problem is in their head. It took me a year to leave my toxic relationship. It was manipulative, degrading, and was causing me real mental and emotional harm. As a result, my self-esteem and self-worth plummeted to an all time low, my willingness to speak my mind lessened drastically,and the way I viewed relationships became skewed. For a substantial amount of time, I was sad, unmotivated, and felt unwanted. I was depressed. But this type of abuse is not what makes the news, and it doesn’t really make for good TV. But at this age of sharing through social platforms, it is time to spread the word, to give advice to those who may be suffering through what not only I but many other people go through. Because everyone deserves to be treated with respect by the person they love and deserved to be loved back by that person. The way you perceive yourself is important and your self-image should not be negatively altered by your boyfriend/girlfriend, or your spouse. Love should uplift you, not bring you down.

Sadly, it seems people around my age are not properly equipped to deal with abusive relationships. With about 57 percent of college-age adolescents claiming that abuse could be difficult to identify. What is even more concerning is that while most parents who were surveyed seemed confident in their abilities to recognize if their children were being abused most parents (about 58 percent) could not correctly identify most of the warning signs of abuse. But parents, friends, and more importantly, you should care and be able to distinguish an abusive relationship from a bad one.

Why?

Because victims of physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse (In any aspect of life; not just dating) are substantially more likely to commit suicide, develop poor body image, have low self-esteem, develop eating disorders, are at a higher risk for substance abuse, and reckless sexual behavior. And this abuse is especially volatile in romantic relationships because for young people and adolescents that are when they are most vulnerable, more susceptible to change whether good or bad. Most of us have probably thought we fell in love with someone only to realize later that it probably was not the case, but during the period of time you would have probably done anything for that person, you held them in high regard, you cared about what they thought about you. However, for most people when they were unhappy in a relationship they could simply end it, and leave. In abusive relationships, this is often not so simple. Obviously, in physically abusive relationships there is the fear of retaliation, but in emotionally abusive relationships the manipulator will often deploy harmful tactics that make the other person feel trapped in the relationship. For example, if a person threatens to hurt or kill themselves if you leave them, this is manipulative behavior. Even if you believe they may hold true to their threats that burden weighs heavy on a person’s mind, and can cause real damage to a person’s psyche, especially if they feel they have no choice but to “work things out”. One of the scariest moments of my life was when I was trying to leave my boyfriend of almost a year,and as he drove me home he began to drive wildly, almost drove us both off the freeway and threatened to do just that if I didn’t take back what I said about breaking up with him. At first, this behavior shocked me, it took me looking both within myself and back over my relationship to find the source of why I was so unhappy,and it was because this relationship as emotionally abusive, manipulative, and straight up toxic. And I handled it in a completely wrong way. But if your relationship or that of someone you know exhibits any of the following behavior I implore you to either seek help or leave that unhealthy relationship. Abuse is not something that “can be worked out”, and you truly deserve better.

-Constant put downs, or name calling. Even if they follow it by saying “just kidding’ if it's offensive and your feelings are hurt, it is not okay.

-Humiliating or embarrassing you,even in public or in front of friends.

-Hyper-criticism

-Controlling behavior such as : telling you who you can hang out with or talk to, telling you to dress or telling you to cover up out of context ( as if you are their property)

-Guilt trips

-Double standards and hypocrisy (they claim you are not allowed to do something even if they are)

-Unreasonable jealousy

-Incessant phone calls or texts when you are apart

-Extreme moodiness

-Somehow making everything your fault

-Controlling your money

-Isolating you from friends and family

-Ignoring or excluding you

-Phrases like “I love you but…” or “If you don’t_ I will_.”

-Pushing for sexual things that you may not be ready for, or when you do not want to

-Hurting themselves and claiming it's your fault

-Threatening to kill themselves if you leave them

These behaviors are not in line with a happy relationship. Please remember it is never the victim’s fault. No matter your gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, religion, you past, present, or future: you do not deserve abuse.

There a many resources, both online and over the phone, and even over text if you are in an abusive relationship if you need help or support outside friend or family here a few of the abundant resources available. If you use any of these, or reach out to friends or family, or get out safely on your own, then I thank you for being brave.

Call 911 for all emergencies.

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline
• 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
• National Sexual Assault Hotline
• 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
• Loveisrespect (866) 331-9474 chat online: www.loveisrespect.org; text: loveis to 22522

• Community United Against Violence Domestic Violence Program, San Francisco, CA
• (415) 333-HELP (4357)
• National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs: National Advocacy for Local LGBTQH Communities(212) 714-1141
• Stalking Resource Center, The National Center for Victims of Crime
• RAINN: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (800) 656-HOPE (4673)
• bandbacktogether.com