First, I would like to say that my father and I have a great relationship now. We're stronger than ever, however, It hasn't always been this way. The past is the past, but it has affected the present.
When I was younger, I remember sitting in the beige lazy boy that my grandpa loved. His print was in it, so I sunk pretty deep into the chair. I remember taking a bath with my rubber duck, my Barbie with butchered hair, and my squeezable bath toy shaped like Ernie from Sesame Street. Once I got out of the tub, I went to my room and packed my clothes. It was Friday, and I was going to spend the weekend with my dad.
Truthfully I hated being separated from my mom. I was attached at the hip, but when it was time to go to my dads I was excited (even if it was only an hour of excitement). I would pack my little bags and grab a few toys. I'd go sit in the lazy boy by the door and wait. I remember waking up in the chair thinking that he must have forgotten to come get me. I asked my mom why he didn't come, and she said that he had to work late again.
Though this was routine at this point, I was very forgiving. I would say OK and go take my things to the room I shared with my grandparents (we stayed at my grandparents a lot, though we did have our own home). I put on my PJ's and went to bed thinking "He'll come next time."
My dad loved living life, and sometimes that came before me. I didn't learn this until I was much older, and able to understand it all. I would have football games to go to because I was a cheerleader, and wanted my dad to come. He had to work most of the time. The same went for my basketball games. Eventually, in my early teenage years, the frustration came when he tried to actually discipline me.
How could he tell me what to do, and he's never here? I became very rebellious and sassy towards everyone. That's something I'm not proud of, but I've learned from it.
The time came for us to start having sex talks and things got awkward. I was a good teen, afraid of STD's and becoming a statistic, but I didn't feel like my dad knew any of that.
The frustration boiled over and we had a big falling out. We eventually sat down and talked about it, and I learned a lot. I learned that my dad wasn't the same as he was 10 years prior, and he learned the same thing. He realized that I was growing up, and I realized that he had grown up also, and cared deeply for all of his children. He wanted the best for us.
Unfortunately, this put certain notions in my head that I'm still struggling with today. My dad was not great during my childhood, but he's gotten better. I've made the mistake of thinking this applies to all men that come into my life.
Recently, I dealt with a guy who didn't really want to spend time with me, but wanted me to do things financially and academically for him. I figured that if I remained loyal and consistent in my actions, he'd grow and become more interested in me. That's where I get into a bit of trouble.
I begin to thing that giving my all would produce result, when it only produced low self-esteem. I still struggle with this, but eventually I realized that this man, this boy, was not going to change. I wasted a lot of time depending on this notion that was instilled in me during my childhood.
I know now that just because my dad changed, doesn't mean that anyone else will. I must keep my spirits high until someone worth while comes along. Until then, I'm not waiting on anyone to change. I'm just growing as a person daily, and living life.
It's too short to wait for someone who may not change.
