An important argument was imposed on me recently while watching the movie Meet The Patels, where the main character Ravi V. Patel goes through a journey to find a bride that would not only be right for him, but also assimilate into his Indian family. The movie introduces the argument Love vs. culture. He had to ask himself whether or not it was worth it finding love out of the generational restraints placed on him from generations of the same types of arranged marriages.
Ever since I was a little child the marriage talk has been evident In my family albeit jokingly but still there. In passing when around family and family friends when the kids got along, the adults would jokingly make comments about marrying them off in the future.
Marriage comes in different forms around the world but most present it’s seen as something shared between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. However, in several other parts like Africa my parents and grandparents and generations before them, it's different. If you married someone you loved great, but for the most part marrying someone who was African, Muslim, Fulani or Mandinka was key, stay within those cultural lines was and is key to some extent today. So with that I pose this questions in this 21 century how does the generational restraints on marriage stay constant?
So to begin this process I asked my mom who has been married to my dad for nearly 30 years and was set-up by her brother to my dad.
Why has it been so important in African families for marriage stay within in the culture in past generations?
“This is a common sense, you always want your kids to go back to Africa. You marry to fulani or you marry to a Mandigo in the long run you'll go back home. Africans don't necessarily want someone from the same tribe but country so when you grow old you will return back and build a house.”
Culture:
When it comes to culture you have low context and high context.
African culture is a high-context culture and is family centered,where decisions are made as a unit. Family is important and that is why several marriages are done to maintain cultural values and to not stray away from such.
For the most part, arranged marriage is coupled with a negative stigma where parents introduce the kids on the day-off their marriage or forcibly put them into the sanctity of marriage without their consent. And yes that has happened and continues to happen in rural areas of the world where education is lacking. However, most people in the eastern hemisphere woke up, saw the light and figured out that no, this not right.
That's why families rather than forcing children, give out suggestions of future spouses that fit the criteria to become a part of their families.
While on the other hand western culture is a more of low context culture that more individualistic. In a low context culture the individual has more of a pull on the decisions they make for themselves. When it comes to marriages in western culture who someone marries too decision is less centered on what the family thinks than high-context cultures.
Although western culture is more individualistic, religion in most families is the one thing that cannot be played with when it comes to marriage.
VS.
“Love is love is love is love” Lin Manuel Miranda said those echoing words during his Tony award speech. And what he said hold a large amount of weight to it because simply in its barest form love is love and is the best way to describe it. Its hard to really describe a feeling that has so many variations, with its immense power. particularly High context and low context cultures have different views as to what it means.
“the attitudes toward love in the east and the west aren’t the same. Eastern people think that love is mute. For example, when Chinese people love a person, they don’t say, “I love you.’’ They just show their love in actions. On the other hand, Western people think love is vocal.”
The writer Mendy Wang present a strong difference in the way love is shown in both cultures. China a high context culture is showed a more reserved outlook on love that is shown not told, while the west a low context culture does the opposite. the idea of love has gone through a multitude of variations on how its shown both types of culture have obvious difference but the essence of love-that intense felling of deep affection is still existant. In most high context cultures the reason why the saying of "I love you" is reserved is because, its typical in arranged marriages for love to grow.
So do generational restraints remain constant?
The answer is no, it can’t. Perspective is the central theme to this argument. Marriage is about perspective. An individual perspective on what is right for them and will work within their goals of a fruitful future. There perspectives of high-context(eastern culture) and low context(western culture) cultivate different types of values among spouses. The generational restraints on marriage are going through a schism.As the world becomes smaller with technology so does the generational restraints, which are being watered down, because perspective is evolving at quicker rate than the past.
After the movie I asked my mom:
If I married someone that wasn’t African would you be okay with that?
"I would prefer you to to marry someone African, but if you marry someone that is not that okay but they must be Muslim."
There is this fear of loss that comes when change occurs, that's why so many family hold onto to their culture tightly and pass the torch to their kids, and expect to keep the culture alive. But what parents need to know that change is inevitable, and change is just something evolving into something new that's not necessarily bad but different and needs to be adapted to.
