The smooth instrumental and melody of “Crush” by Yuna, featuring Usher, sucked me into the all-too-familiar curiosity I feel when I hear a song I like. I whipped my phone out quickly to record some of the lyrics in hopes that I could find this mystery tune before the track ended in Barnes and Noble. I was kind of surprised when I realized what this sensual, sweet song was about… I feel a little rush, I think I’ve got a little crush on you. The last time I would have described a crush as sweet might have been… middle school? Yeah, definitely middle school, when I wrote a love letter to a floppy-haired, copper-skinned boy, winning myself a hug in front of an audience of fellow 12-year-olds (I wasn’t discrete about my feelings). I wore that hug like a gold-medalist standing atop the winner’s platform after winning the 100-yard-dash.
As I got older, crushes stopped being cute and became inconvenient. Puberty, hormones, fragile self-esteem, and fear of rejection clouded the mysterious, innocent desire for romantic connection with feelings of anxiety. I went through periods of time when I didn’t like anyone, but anytime I started to feel that stir of butterflies in my belly, I rolled my eyes- not this again! I was anxious because I anticipated lack of focus, unresolved emotions, feelings of inadequacy, and the ache of unrequited love. However, crushes don’t have to be a source of stress for anyone. Here are some ways to manage feelings before they become infatuation:
1. Judge between healthy and unhealthy feelings.
When you find yourself attracted to someone, you’re likely to think very highly of them. All of their personality traits seem positive. That’s normal. You can’t help but notice their poetic Mother’s Day post on Instagram, the way they carry themselves, and their physical appeal. However, you have to resist the perspective that this person is out of your league. I’m a firm believer that everyone is equally special, though some pairs are more compatible than others. When you’re crushing on someone, monitor your thoughts toward that person and your relationship. Are you putting yourself down while you lift them up? Do you feel like low self-esteem flares up when you think of them? Are you vacating your normal tendencies to get their attention? If so, you need to reroute your thinking to incorporate your great qualities, as well as the reality of their flaws and humanity.
2. Keep your humanity in mind.
I know a lot of people who beat themselves up about having a crush on someone. More often than not, this particular sensation is unpredictable and irrational. One minute you’re following logic and being a fairly productive member of society. The next minute, you’re getting sweaty hands and experiencing variances in your heartbeat in some situations. All of a sudden, you’re a little vulnerable and uncool, which can be hard to be comfortable with. Though some people would prefer feeling very secure and sure about where they stand with the people they care about, that is not always the case. And that’s okay. It is important to come to terms with the fact that having a crush is a normal process and even find peace in the uncertainty.
3. Learn to put it on the shelf.
If you’re like me, you have to apply quite a bit of focus to maintain a single train of thought. During any period of time that I am crushing, I can easily drift off into dreamland, regardless of the urgency or intricacy of the task at hand. However, no level of infatuation, unrequited or returned, should keep a person from attending to his or her daily tasks or pursuing their dreams with all of their energy. Imagination is important, but time spent idle and daydreaming is essentially wasted. The best advice my mom gave me one day when I found myself distracted at work was this: “shelf it.” It may seem difficult to pick and choose your thoughts, as mind activity can seem elusive; but, like anything, controlling your thoughts just takes practice.
4. Gas yourself.
Constantly contemplating how great someone is can create a seemingly perfect image of the individual in your imagination, effectively causing you to wonder if they’d ever be interested in you. But that’s a fallacy… you’re amazing. Regardless of the probability of the person of interest returning your feelings, your immeasurable worth stands unwavering. You’re beautiful even when you don’t have their gaze. You still looked fly that day that they neglected to come to class to witness your glow. Don’t let yourself pale in the light your affections seem to be shining on a certain individual. It’s like Zora Neale Hurston said: “It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me.” You can preserve your positive self-image by being intentional about verbalizing or writing down the qualities you like about yourself. That confidence will also serve to ensure that you attract the right people.
5. Say “hey.”
There comes a time when you stop letting the hypothetical situations and blind attraction build up. I’m not saying to make a move, but the only way to abandon the fake version of your crush that exists in your head is to meet the real person. Not only does broaching a conversation with this person give them an opportunity to get to know you, but it also helps shatter the distance you’ve built between the two of you by idealizing them. A pedestal is no place to start a relationship, romantic or non-romantic. Depending on how the conversation goes, your initial interest has the potential to reach a variety of ends: a friendship, an acquaintanceship, a romance, or simply a you without any regrets or what-ifs. Statistically speaking, the odds are that this person is not the one. I don’t say that to kill your vibe; but, when you think about it, it really takes the pressure off.
