They're so annoying that you have to turn up the volume in your headphones to distract yourself because you just cannot bear to see the sight of them. Here are a just a few of the people to be on the lookout for.
1. The "let it hang"s
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Walking into the locker room every day, you have to prepare yourself emotionally because you already know you're about to be scarred for life. Each day is a new battle, but remind yourself it's only a brief amount of time there, and everything will be okay. These few minutes are the most petrifying moments of all time. The ones that show up in your most terrifying nightmares. Seeing old, saggy people butt naked.
They don't have a care in the world while they strut around naked. Like, how long does it take to change? They're just unnecessarily naked... You can try not to look, but they're so naked that they just make that option impossible. You can feel your eyes BURN with the feeling of horror flaming in your chest. You can never look at the old lady from across the street the same way ever again. Meanwhile, you're making a fort around the lockers with towels so nobody can catch a glimpse of you changing.
2. The people who you keep 911 on speed dial for
These are the people who you can tell just decided to start working out. They aren't in the best of shape, but you can tell they are truly trying hard to put the work in. These people aren't exactly using the machines the right way or drowning in their own puddle of sweat while passing away on the treadmill. The effort they are putting in is a maximum effort, but it's almost a little too much. Generally, older people, or people who really don't need to lose weight, and you start to become concerned. You feel like having an intervention with them like Uncle Joey, Uncle Jessie, and Danny Tanner did to D.J. on "Full House" after she was about to pass out from over working on the elliptical.
3. The Lululemon mom cults
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After showing up super hungover from wine night with the girls, these women travel in herds at the gym, gossiping about the latest dirt happening in town. While doing group yoga classes or taking up a whole row of treadmills next to each other, you'll hear them discuss whose parents cheated on who, who was rude to them in church, and who wore the same outfit as who at the country club the last weekend. You'll never see them not decked out in head to toe in Athleta or Lululemon.
When you are a stay at home mom, what better thing to do than leave the kids with the nanny so you can lay out at the pool all day and tan to a crisp or go to the gym to stare at the young spicy bodybuilders... right? You know each day is a competition with these women to see who dresses the best. Lululemon is their god, something they worship.
4. The nosy competitors
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These guys need to let you know that they think they're better than you. You can be on a machine or lifting, and they're the ones that come strutting over right next to you. After looking to see what weight you're lifting or what speed you're at, they'll be SURE to let you know that they're putting in more effort than you. CHILL OUT, BRO, and stop looking! At this point, you have no choice but to make it a big competition. Bring it on.
5. The Snapchat fakers
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Why show up to the gym just to sit there on your phone? These people are typically spotted on a mat in front of a mirror sitting or on a machine while taking pictures of themselves to let their friends think they're working out when in reality they are just sitting there in work out clothes. Nice. Flexing and sucking in your stomach in front of the mirror ain't gonna get you in any better shape.
6. The cringe-worthy fitness couples
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Oh gosh, these are the people who should not be allowed to enter a gym... They are truly terrifying, grabbing each other's bodies and taking pictures or videos of one another. This level of PDA is just overwhelming. I'm begging you, please go somewhere else and do that, the gym is meant for fitness, not kissing. Go take a couples' fitness class or something. Please. I swear these people do not have a care in the world that there are other humans watching them do what they do. They have absolutely no shame. It's also another reminder that I'm forever alone...
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