In high school, a friend of mine wanted to break-up with his girlfriend and he didn’t have the guts to do it in person. He asked me if I could write a text message that he could send to send her. He told me that since it was my smooth advice that got them together in the first place, I should also have a hand in their separation.

Since he made me feel like his predicament was my fault, I tried my hardest to break-up with his girlfriend via text as eloquently and as kindly as I could. A week later, I confessed to a female friend of mine what I had done; she laughed in my face. “I know her and I read that text. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever read.” This memory has inspired me to look for new and innovative ways to break a woman’s heart as quickly and as efficiently as possible.

1. “I think I might be allergic to your saliva.”

2. “I want to become the next John Mayer, so I need to be heartbroken in order to get to the next level musically.”

3. “You won’t even give my Hilary Clinton sex fantasy a try.”

4. “There are starving children in Africa that need my help. If I stop taking you on dates then I can afford to send them the five cents a day that they need.”

5. “I fell in love with someone else. She’s getting me an internship at Lockheed Martin.”

6. “I just need time to find myself. I’m lost mentally, spiritually, and I can’t even find my own g-spot.”

7. “Carpe Diem!”

8. “I’m sorry Stacy, but your mom has it going on.”

9. “We can never agree on what we want to watch on Netflix. By the way I changed the password, but you can still use my Hulu. I don’t really use it and it’s my uncle’s account.”

10. “I want to join a fraternity, so I have to do some really homoerotic stuff to get in.”

11. “My mom says I should date someone with smaller feet since my feet are so big. Do you know how hard it is to find shoes for babies with wide feet?”

12. “Yes, saying I love you daddy is cheating. I don’t care that if you’re saying that to your actual father.

13. “You’re too smart, sexy, and nice for me. I don’t deserve a super-model saint for a girlfriend. I deserve a girl in a biker gang that eats raw onions.”

14. “We’re a power couple. That’s why we need to break up in order to help weaken the world’s current patriarchal/capitalist power structure.

15. “I need a girl who can love me for who I am. A vampire.”

16. “I'm seeing Beyonce live in concert and if I'm single, it won't be considered cheating when I smell her hair.”

17. “I’m afraid that if we keep dating, I’m going to start actually liking One Tree Hill.”

18. “Your birthday is the same day that rent is due.”

19. “I just don’t have the time anymore. My professor keeps checking me out and I’m failing her class. I want to go to her office hours for, like, hours.”

20. “I have commitment issues. I haven’t finished Stranger Things and I LOVE Stranger Things.”

21. “You seem bored whenever I mansplain socio-economics to you.

22. Literally send her this article.