Rewind 13 years ago, on a late summer night. I'm a 9 year old boy, staying up way past my bedtime, trying to enjoy some late-night television. I browse through my usual channels, hoping to find something other than the hundreds of rerun episodes I had watched of the Fresh Prince or The Nanny. As I shuffle through channels, my instinct tells me to check to see if anything interesting was on Cartoon Network. I enjoyed a few Cartoon Network shows here and there, so I thought it was worth a shot. I switched channels just in time to catch the beginning of a show.

Bounty hunters traveling through space was the setting, which immediately grabbed my attention due to my obsession with Star Wars. I was immediately captivated by a smug, nonchalant, poofy-haired gunslinger in a baggy blue suit named Spike. He was the embodiment of what I thought being cool was. He was wildly sarcastic, composed, and put in the minimum amount of effort required for almost everything he did. He became my idol on that day, and Cowboy Bebop became my favorite show. And every weekend I would stay up late hoping to catch another episode for the majority of my childhood until it came off air.

During the summer after my freshman year of college, I decided to rewatch Cowboy Bebop. The plot of the show didn't really stick with me when I was younger, so I really wanted to refresh my memories, along with indulging my nostalgic side.

I was afraid that I wouldn't like it nearly as much as I did when I was younger, which caused me to postpone my rewatching of the show for a couple of weeks during the summer. But I finally mustered up the courage to restart.

The first four episodes were enjoyable, but it wasn't anything that really grabbed my attention. The episodes were very interesting and kept me entertained, Spike was still awesome, yet I wasn't in love with the show like I remembered. My fear that it wouldn't live up to my childhood memories was nagging the back of my mind so I put it down for a few days.

I decided to give it a few more episodes before I gave up on falling in love with the show, so I started episode 5, titled "Ballad of Fallen Angels". My doubts were all washed away with this episode. Every single moment, every visual, every musical score was perfectly executed. "Ballad of Fallen Angels" was such a good episode, I ended up binge watching the rest of the series in about 2 days. And Cowboy Bebop reclaimed its rightful throne as my favorite show of all time.

However, something was different this time around when I watched the show. Specifically with how I viewed Spike this time around. Spike was everything I wanted to be when I was growing up. He was completely unfazed by anything going on around him, which was what threw me off this go around.

Before, I thought it was because it was just his way of being cool, but rewatching it, I began to see a different picture. (I'll try to give some background of Spike while remaining spoiler-free.)

In episode 5 of the show, we are given a glimpse into the backstory of Spike. He has the typical tragic backstory of love and betrayal (If you are interested in the show, I highly recommend you watch this episode first). But what sets this episode apart in terms of Spike is how he acts. In the previous episodes, he's disinterested and very resistant to doing more than what is necessary for any job. Yet, for the entirety of the episode, Spike is uncharacteristically dynamic. He rushes into action, gets flustered and frustrated, and is much more irrational than his usual measured demeanor.

The odd thing is that he doesn't stay that way the entire series. In fact, throughout the whole 26-episode series, Spike only acts this way in 5 episodes. The common theme between these episodes is that each episode has someone or something connected to Spike's past.

This realization completely shook my outlook on him as a character. Spike was able to seem like he wasn't really invested in most of the show because he truly wasn't invested. He didn't care about any of the fun adventures he went on, or any of the people he met or encountered. The only moments he showed raw passion or emotion was with anything related to his past. The reason he was so nonchalant about life was because he wasn't actively trying to live it.

Spike was tragic because he was consumed by his past. The hold it had over him was so strong, he wasn't able to feel anything for the people he was surrounded by or the people he encountered on his travels.

His character resonated with me strongly after that watch, because it honestly scared me. I am very prone to holding onto my memories, the things I've gone through. I sometimes think of myself as the most nostalgic young adult in the world. And his character scared me because I was afraid of not being able to enjoy the new things around me because I couldn't let things go.

So I decided I wanted to start making peace with my past and move forward with my life. And Cowboy Bebop has, and will always be my favorite show of all time because it made me come face to face with that uncomfortable truth. The show inspired me to not let the tragedy of the past shape me. Through Spike, I saw that holding on only kept me from all the wonderful new people and experiences that I had laying before me.