I have spent my whole life surrounded by people yet still feeling totally alone. Growing up, I had one sister and one brother and despite being close to them in age, we didn't really get along. My sister is a year younger than me but she spent most of my childhood bullying me verbally and physically. She would always tell me how worthless I was and would call me names while she pinched me so hard until I bled. When I would tell on her she would call me a tattle tale and a baby before pinching me harder. Even today, when I confront her on this issue she says "oh it's no big deal I do it to everyone". My brother is five years younger and we were close growing up for awhile. Then as he got older he'd become physically aggressive and would punch me or push me into cabinets. When I would yell he'd laugh and call me a baby because it didn't hurt. And while it was true, it didn't hurt (mostly) physically it hurt my heart.

In school, I had friends but they would constantly talk behind my back. I would be invited to their birthday parties but they'd play games in which they deliberately tried to ditch me. And as I got older it turns out I was only invited because their parents made them invite me. This came to a head in high school during my sophomore year as I found out my friends were only friends with me because they liked to make fun of me. This hurt me as I'd find myself crying myself to sleep for most of that year. And while I found new friends after leaving my old ones, I never felt that I truly belonged and that I was crashing their hang out sessions. They had inside jokes from years of being friends while I was a new member who they didn't include into these jokes. I often felt ostracized and truly alone. But I put up with it and counted the days until I graduated high school so I could put the years of belittlement and bullying behind me.

However, even after I graduated high school and entered college, things didn't really change. My freshman year I pledged a sorority where I made fast friends. I would go to parties, get my nails done, grab food, go shopping, and even study with these girls. We would bond over our love of film and I thought I had found my forever friends. However all that changed when I didn't make the sorority past the pledge process. The reason I got kicked out is a long story but the gist of it is that one night we went to a party. At this party there was a fraternity there and I got super drunk. I asked one of the boys if I could have sex with him and he said no so I walked away. A week later, I was called to talk to the president and vice president of my sorority. They sat me down and said what I had done was sexual assault and that this behavior was not tolerable to their organization. I told them I would change and it would never happen again.

Over the course of the last month of my pledging, I didn't get drunk at parties and just focused on having a good time with my friends. Other members of the sorority commented on how they were proud of me changing my behavior. However, when the members sat down to vote on which pledges got voted in and which ones were kicked out, I was one of four who got kicked out. This devastated me as I wanted nothing more than to join greek life with these particular girls. What hurt worse than being rejected by the organization was that as soon as I was kicked out, none of the girls who got in wanted to hang out anymore.

All of this, led to me feeling completely alone and like a social failure. However, I didn't think much of it until two years later when I was studying abroad and got broken up with by my English boyfriend. That is when the damn completely broke and all of the feelings of feeling alone and worthless came bubbling to the surface. This is what led to me becoming depressed.

For the next year, I couldn't function as I once had and found myself with no energy. I couldn't get out of bed, I found it hard to sit through class and I never took notes, I failed all of my classes. But the worst part was I didn't care. I felt that none of it mattered and that my life didn't matter. I even tried to commit suicide by pills. However, the only thing that brought me joy was country music. Country music spoke to me and made me feel seen in ways I'd never felt before. I listened to artists such as Brett Young, Walker Hayes, Hunter Hayes, Lee Brice, Darius Rucker, Keith Urban, Kelsea Ballerini, Lauren Alaina, and Billy Currington. These artists touched my soul and got me through the worst year of my life. I identified with their lyrics and felt as if they wrote their songs about my experiences and were singing to me. When I listened to their music, I was happier than I've ever been. This love of country music is what brought me to Stagecoach where I had the best weekend of my life. I got to feel uplifted and seen for three days straight while being surrounded by people. And for the first time in my life, even though I was surrounded by strangers I didn't feel alone and instead felt as if I was apart of a community. It was a marvelous feeling and one that hasn't faded now that it's been a year since my depression has faded.

In fact when I listen to country music now, I am so grateful for how it was there for me when I needed it most. It still brings me joy and reminds me of why I fell in love with it. I still relate to the songs and feel seen by them but now, I don't need the songs to be happy as I am just as happy when I'm not listening to them. However, country music will always have a place in my heart and will be my number one genre for the rest of my life. Also Stagecoach, I'm coming for you again. Yeehaw!