I want to start off by saying that I do apologize for all the ways that I hurt you. I recognize the mistakes that I made and I am in no way looking for your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I truly am sorry. Tell your mom I'm sorry too, I always liked her.

You came into my life at just the right moment. I always thought of you as a blessing, and I barely believe in those. You showed me how I deserved to be treated. You showed me what love looks like. You showed me that it was possible for someone to love me the way I needed to be. I am so sorry I couldn't love you the way you needed.

I remember one time you told me you would never get tattoos because they were too permanent. In that same conversation you also told me you wanted to be with me forever. That terrified me; why would you want to commit to me if you couldn't even commit to a simple tattoo? The thought of being with someone who couldn't really commit to something scared me. But then I realized that you were not the one who couldn't commit, I was. I am not a forever girl. I am the girl you meet on your way to forever. I am the small bump in the road that takes you on the scenic route to where you need to be. I am full of chaos and sometimes full of adventure but I am not something to hold on to.

I am not meant to be loved forever. I am not capable of staying put long enough to even let that happen. That's my bad, that's on me. I wanted to be good enough for you, and for a little while I was, at least hope I was. But you were growing faster than I was and I couldn't keep up. This is not to say that I don't think I am enough, it is to say that I am too much. Too much complication and overthinking; I am the lightning storm you love to look at but hate to be caught in.

You, on the other hand, my sweet boy, you are so precious and so full of light. You gave me everything I needed and so much more. I know it's horribly cliché, but it was never you, it was always me. I wanted to love you, I desperately wanted to love you. I wanted to feel all the things that you felt for me but I couldn't and I am so deeply sorry. You deserve someone who will say it back and mean it.

We always talked about the future. I was always in yours, but I could never quite see you in mine. But then again, I've never been good at planning ahead. You knew exactly what you wanted and where you were headed, I couldn't even decide what I wanted for lunch. I never intended to hurt you. Blame it on the trust issues. Blame it on the commitment issues. Blame it on the fear of never being what you needed. Blame it on me.

As horrible as this sounds and as much as I don't like to admit it, I used you. I didn't recognize it then but I do now. I kept you around because of some sad attempt to make myself feel whole. I didn't want to be alone. I loved the way you loved me. I loved the way you needed me. I am so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't treat you better.

I know everything is different now, your arms are covered in tattoos and you are happy with someone else. I am happy that you are happy and I hope she treats you so much better than I did. You will always hold a very special place in my heart. You will always be the first boy I thought I could love.