When you imagine a functional romantic relationship, what do you picture? I know my mind immediately goes to an image of a monogamous couple. However, an estimated four to five percent of Americans have fulfilling, consensual relationships with more than one person.
Polyamory is the idea or practice of being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. Polyamory is not the same as swinging. Swingers have recreational sex with multiple people. Meanwhile, a polyamorous person focuses on developing deep relationships, in which sex may be involved but is definitely not the focus. Polyamory is not the same as cheating because polyamorous relationships require the knowledge and consent of all partners.
The reason I find the concept of polyamory so fascinating is because it completely overturns our conventional idea of what a relationship is. It challenges the belief that romantic relationships can only exist between two people. While monogamous relationships are perfect for some people, polyamorous relationships are just as valid and actually work better for others.
There is a common misconception that if you love someone, you shouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Many believe that if you love multiple people, your love is divided and therefore not as complete. This idea is based on the “starvation model” of love, which conveys love as a limited commodity. In reality, we have more than enough love within our hearts to give ourselves fully to more than one partner, just as we have more than enough love to give to more than one friend. Why is it socially acceptable to have more than one close friend, but taboo to have more than one romantic partner? Making a new friend doesn’t mean you love your other friends any less, just as developing a new romantic relationship doesn’t invalidate your current one.
Again, it is crucial that everyone involved in a poly relationship knows and understands the rules of the relationship. These rules may vary from relationship to relationship, but the most important thing is that they are clearly defined and respected by those involved. Polyamory requires complete trust. It is possible to cheat in a polyamorous relationship. Breaking certain rules of the relationship is still considered cheating; in fact, cheating in a poly relationship can be even more destructive than cheating in a monogamous one because more than one person is hurt as a result.
One of the biggest things to overcome in a poly relationship is jealousy. Jealousy occurs when someone feels insecure or threatened in a relationship. Therefore, jealousy is just a symptom of larger relationship problems. The key to making the relationship work is to express your fears and insecurities openly and immediately with your partners, so they can help you feel more secure in your relationship. Instead of attributing your jealousy to your partner’s other relationship and trying to regulate what he/she/them can or cannot do with his/her/their other partner, evaluate what you aren’t getting out of your own relationship and make a conscious effort to communicate your feelings of jealousy to your partner every step of the way. For those who are interested in exploring polyamorous relationships, this is an incredible and more specific source on to how to navigate jealousy.
When it comes to sex, a study by the Journal of Sexual Health found that individuals in consensually non monogamous relationships were more likely to practice safe and protected sex than individuals cheating in a monogamous relationship. This may be because individuals in polyamorous relationships consent to outside sex as long as it is safe, while cheaters skip condoms because it makes their unfaithful actions feel more premeditated. Cheaters are also more likely to be drunk or on drugs during outside sexual encounters, increasing risk of unsafe sex.
Although polyamory is still widely unaccepted, as college hookup culture picks up, so does the notion of consensual non monogamy. This type of relationship certainly does not work for everyone, but for some, polyamory can challenge how they think of commitment, love, and jealousy, maybe even for the better.
