The United States is lucky enough to have a very clever government. They are all about saving and making money in very simple ways. First, they save money by not providing free tampons, pads, and sanitary products to any of the millions of post-pubescent american females within the fifty United States. Imagine how much money it would cost if the government had to provide tampons and pads for every woman in the united states. No country, other than maybe Canada, would ever even think to do such an absurd thing. Of course, it would be ignorant for any government to pass up the perfect opportunity for their beloved corporations and businesses to make a guaranteed, annual $120  from any pad or tampon buying woman in the United States.

Now, I would be a little disappointed if our government didn’t go the extra mile here. Not only are they saving money by not supplying women with free or subsidized pads or tampons, and helping support businesses make a few extra bucks, but almost every state also taxes the purchase of tampons and pads. Guaranteed profit? That is smart money.

On another point, the taxation and cost of pads and tampons allows for the separation of economic classes. The wealthy love paying for pads and tampons; every month is like Christmas when they get to pick the newest, coolest tampon brand to satisfy their respective periods. But with the less fortunate, there is no need to wonder if a woman is poor any more! Nothing screams “She can’t afford basic necessities” more than a trail of blood rolling down the back of her leg. There is no mistaking a homeless woman on her period; no need to wonder, no need to ask; the government has indirectly labeled the low economic status of women across the country to settle any curiosities.

Honestly, thank goodness tampons and pads are not free! Could you imagine a world where women are not subtly controlled by the government? Costly sanitary products ensure that women remember their place. We wouldn’t want women to believe that the government actually encourages independence. It is imperative to maintain the government’s control of the health and sanitation of each and every woman at least once every 28 days or so.

Thank goodness women have to pay for pads and tampons; if they were given handouts like that, soon they will be asking for even more outrageous legislature, like equal pay for equal work! Good thing the situation hasn’t become that grave!