I was a weirdo kid. I loved cheese, nematodes and cryptozoology. Nowadays, I still love cheese (so much that I make it), nematodes have been isolated to Spongebob and cryptids are what I'm writing about.
Cuz yo, there's some cool crazy stories out there. Obviously everyone knows Yeti, Bigfoot, Nessie and (my personal favorite) El Chupacabra. But here's a list of 10 of the coolest lesser-known cryptids for your campfire-ghost-story/B-horror-movie-night/folklore pleasure:
1. The Sea Monk.
Gorram it! This guy is creepy... and a monk... maybe Dagon's monk? In any case, you just know if he baptized you, it'd be a very literal "dying to yourself."
I'm 99 percent sure the water he swims in becomes unholy water.
Anyway, he was seen in the 1500s and is most likely an oddly decayed shark, squid, walrus or simply a hoax like a Jenny Haniver (which are interesting in their own right, and though fake, are as terrifying as any abominable seapriest).
But that's not as interesting as something Eldritchian like the mer-religious leader of a Poseidon cult.
2. The Snallygaster.
Half bird, half dragon, half Cthulhu (yes, three halves, cuz this thing breaks natural laws). Also, it drinks blood, FYI. And it's native to the Washington D.C. area. I could let that comment stand on its own, but I won't.
I'm pretty sure this is what bipartisanship looks like.
3. Spring-Heeled Jack.
Basically Victorian London's answer to Slenderman.
A weird supernatural devil dude who had red eyes and a tight black suit and could jump REALLY really high. He was basically bizarro Superman/Jack The Ripper/Mephistopheles. He became so famous in the latter half of the 19th century that he became the star of several different stories.
Personally, given his description as red-eyed and oily, I think he was teenage stoner Batman.
4. Man-Eating Trees:
Say hello to the "Ya-Te-Veo" whose name is eerily translated, "I can see you."
It's supposedly got eyes and a face and can run and has the munchies. Hmm, with the dreadlock-like tentacles and appetite, this one seems like a teenage stoner too... maybe that's the answer to ALL of the world's unexplained mysteries. Kids did pot and got lost in the woods.
In any case, this isn't LOTR, so these guys, unfortunately, are NOT irksomely slow to action.
P.S - He's got friends, like the Nubian Tree and the Umdhlebi, and they're ALL over the world... so you're not safe no matter what. Swamp Thing's not happy about climate change.
5. Wolpertinger:
Because the Germans can't halfway ANYTHING, they made an even sillier version of the Jackalope. Looks like Daffy and Bugs got frisky, to the chagrin of Bavarnian Nimrods everywhere.
6. The Bunyip:
An Aboriginal water-spirit... or something... maybe...
Because this is Australia and everything has to be insane, no one knows that the heck they're looking at. Seriously, even looking at that DRAWING doesn't make sense.
It's been described like a walrus, a snake, a crocodile, a wolf and apparently like a starfish FAR too often for comfort. I'll bet it's poisonous. But everyone can agree it's big and grumpy.
And, classic 'Stralya... they named a town and a newspaper after it.
7. The Flatwoods Monster:
Basically, this is what happens when Mothman doesn't want the spotlight. He's got an exoskeleton made of metal, but also of shadow. He's a giant oblong husk; he's got glowing, panic-inducing eyes and a spade-shaped flat head, and he's like 7 or so feet tall.
And a bunch of West Virginia hicks saw him. Kinda like Mothman.
What is it about Appalachia and suspiciously owl-like aliens?
8. The Fur-Bearing Trout:
Most of these guys are the sort of things you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, but I'm including this little bugger because that's just freakin' hilarious.
Seriously, a fish with fur to keep warm. Absolute gold. God, I love human ingenuity.
9. Bloop/Slowdown/Etc:
As the best horror movies have shown us, the scariest monster is the one you can't see.
These are some unexplained, massive, distinctively artificial-sounding sounds that have been captured in the ocean at different times.
And it's totally Godzilla or Kaiju or the Kraken
...or Cthulhu again... darn it, he keeps popping up.
Aw screw it.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
10. Your Mom.
Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Sorry, I had to. This article was begging for it.
