Control. Control, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is to have power over another. A synonym they use for control is the word, rule.
No one wants to feel like someone has control over them. No one wants to feel that they have lost all their control. No one wants to feel like they are living by someone else's rules.
You see control can be thought about in many different ways. You can gain control. You can lose control. You can even share control. But how does it feel when you feel like you have no control anymore?
It feels like that no matter what you do, that person will never be happy. No matter how hard you try, you just cannot succeed. No matter how much you give up, it is just not enough. At the end of the day, it feels like you do not even have yourself.
You are walking on eggshells because one wrong move can just set them off. One smart remark can end up in a fight. Stating your opinion is invalid. Trying to stand your ground means that you are hiding something.
Feeling like you lost all control is like trying to go upstream without a paddle... hard and useless. You try as hard as you can to gain it back but it is just a battle that cannot be won. You do everything you can just to try to have a voice but it is better to be mute. You live in a world where it is better to be seen than heard.
Then there can come the time where you have the slightest bit of hope left. You either act on it or let it just waste away. I acted on it.
I was done being pushed around like some rag doll. I was done being told what I could and could not do. I was done losing friends because I thought I was happy, but boy was I wrong. I was done feeling like I had no control.
Taking back my control was not as easy as you how you took it from me. You said you cared about me so much, but if you cared even the slightest bit then things would have been different. You do not do the things you did to the person you say you love.
I was done being blamed for things that I did not do. I was done feeling like you were ashamed to be around me. I was done beating myself up because I did not fit the image you wanted. I was done living in your control.
It was not easy to gain control back, but it was even harder to adjust once I had it. I still have times to this day where I am scared about what you would do or think. I still question if you would be okay with what I was doing. I still worry that I will meet someone who is just like you.
You made me feel like I did not deserve to be happy. You made me feel like no one would want me. You made me feel like I had nothing left to live for. You made me feel like I was stuck in your world.
It hurt so much when I lost control but I hope it killed you more inside when you realized I was able to take control of my own life once again.
