Hi, I constantly surround myself with women in my life and somehow it always backfires.
So as a little girl I would constantly want to have friends and I would always be the nice girl that always tried to love everyone. Starting in elementary school I remember constantly being told that I cant play with the other girls and was always ran away from.
Being a young human I was very confused why girls never wanted to be my friend, all I ever did was tried to be nice and friendly to them. I even recall one time doing really stupid stuff on the playground for them to like me but it didn't work. I assumed I was always destined to be the odd one out with a good group of girlfriends.
This occurred when I was in dance too, I always tried making friends with everyone on the team but I was always constantly pushed away or thought of as weird because I was too nice. All I wanted was to be friends and all they wanted was to push me away and be rude, making fun of me for things I couldn't control like how skinny I was or my personality.
Going into middle school I remember being terrified of going because I was going from elementary school to middle school with no friends. I became friends with a few but slowly lost them over time because I realized they weren't good people and I didn't want to surround myself with that sort of negativity. This, of course, left me feeling lost and confused as to why I was being so kind and going out of my way to impress and make these girls like me.
There were a few months in the 7th grade that I was alone and had no friends at all, still sitting with my old friends that constantly bullied me and made me feel like shit. I didn't know what to do so I just endured the bullying from these girls that didn't understand me instead of being alone.
In all of my classes I would talk to all of the girls and try to be friends with them but I was pushed aside because they already had their friend group and I wasn't supposed to be part of it. Soon my luck turned around and I reconnected with one of my friends from elementary school and she introduced me to her friends. Those friends, though small are still together to this day 10 years later.
When I went to college I knew that I was going to experience the same thing that I experienced when I was going into middle school and high school. So, I had the brilliant idea to join a sorority because that was smart of me. I thought that since I liked doing community service and I wanted to make new friends that I would join…
The first few days were good, I felt included but very quickly I was again pushed to the side because everyone had now created their friend groups and I tried so hard to become friends with everyone. I had a very few amount of friends within my sorority and I felt like they were only there because they felt sorry for me. Now, I am no longer in the sorority or at the college I originally attended and no longer speak with anyone from there.
I just never fully understood why being a girl in this day and age was so hard for me when all I ever did was be the best person and true self I could be. I was never fake and never tried to be someone I wasn't just so I would be able to fit in. Now, I have my very few friends and I have realized that's all you really need sometimes.
