I've recently been seeing a movement on Tumblr, something along the lines of, “Consent is not sexy -- it's mandatory.” People argue with the belief that consent is sexy or attractive... but why can't consent be sexy and mandatory?
Hear me out: I love anytime my boyfriend asks to do anything. This could be as simple as asking permission to call me. Yes, while he doesn't always, he does understand that I'm so busy with college things. That's what makes it sexy; knowing that he cares enough about my feelings on the situation to ask.
Consent is mandatory because:
• One in four women and one in 20 men experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault on their high school and college campuses. Only about one in 20 of these cases is reported.
• Approximately 32 percent of participants in a study said they would "have intentions to force a woman into sexual intercourse if no one would ever find out."
• It's a basic human right!
Consent is sexy because:
• Respecting your partner is sexy! While the argument is that everyone should, not everybody does.
• Respecting yourself enough to respect your partner is sexy!
• Sex is super sexy when both partners want it, without feeling intimidated or pressured.
We all know consent exists, but do we understand how it works?
Age of Consent
According to the law, you cannot consent or agree to have sex until you reach a certain age. These laws are supposed to protect minors from being manipulated or forced into sex. Legality varies from state to state, including activity. The law can vary depending on sexual behavior (oral sex versus anal sex) to the gender of your partner. In North Carolina, the age of consent is 16 and has a “four-years-in-age” rule, meaning anyone who is above 16 can have sexual relations with anyone who is no more than four years younger than them. (A 17-year-old can have legally have sexual relations with a 14 year old.)
Make sure to look into the age of consent and it's variants in your state to avoid any legal issues with your partner.
Consent in Action
It can sometimes be very difficult to say, "No," to your partner, as well as say, “Yes.” This means that it is important to gain a level of trust with your partner(s) and before-hand discuss your hard limits (what you absolutely are not comfortable participating in) and your soft limits (things a person is hesitant about, places restrictions on and may only give consent with prior notice and require a cautious approach).
It is also important to check in with your partner(s) before, during and after the act because it's very possible that they change their mind or may be too scare or embarrassed to tell you they're uncomfortable.
Keys of Consent
Ongoing and Enthusiastic: Even though you might have mentioned you'd dig some Chinese food earlier doesn't mean you aren't craving Italian instead now. You and your partner(s) have the right to change their mind about anything at any time. Consent should not be pressured, and both partners should be enthusiastically saying, "Yes," to the acts.
Ask before:
“Do you (still) want to ____?”
“Can we try ______?”
“Is it okay if I _____?”
Freely Given and Specific:
Consent means that all people involved agree to the act(s) that are going to or are taking place. This is where your hard and soft limits come into play. Agreeing to one act (example: oral sex) does not mean they are okay with another act (example: anal sex). If you think the word “no” may come up in a role play or other situation, create a safe word. (Fruit words are fun! Kiwi, banana, pineapples!)
Ask during:
“Do you like _____?”
“Are you comfortable?”
“Are you okay?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Can you ____?”
Informed and Respectful:
You should inform and be honest with your partner(s) regarding your sexual (and mental) health. If both partners agree to use a condom and then one person decides not to this is not complete consent because one partner was informed and agreed to otherwise. A person who is drunk or high cannot give consent. Sex is about trial and error, and it's possible that you may not have made a new high score this time around. You may have experienced some things you didn't like and some things you loved or perhaps your partner did somethings you didn't like and some you loved.
Ask afterwards:
“How are you feeling?”
“Are you okay?”
“When we tried ____ how was it?”
“When you _____ I _________.”
Question for the comments:
At which age should consent be taught?
