What I Wrote:

Hey! Congratulations on the research gig!! It'll look so great on your resume! Celebratory cappuccinos tonight?!

All The Things I Meant:

Congrats on getting the research assistant gig. This is going to be so great for you. I mean, you TOTALLY deserve this; it couldn't have gone to a better person. I mean, it would have been cool if it were me, haha, but this is totally you. You deserve it, but how did you get it? Like, you, specifically.

Hey, why didn't it get it? I bet I was mentioned at least. You're sure? Not even my first name? Are you sure? Jasminne with two N's? Well, you're a couple semesters ahead of me, so I guess it just makes sense that you got it. Oh, you're not? Oh, okay. Cool. Cooooooooooooooool. I mean it's fine. It just means I'm a couple of months behind, I suppose. Oh, you're only a sophomore?

Die. Please, like, right now. In a fire or something. A fire with spiders. Die in a giant fire filled with fiery spiders. No, no. I'm just kidding. I love you so much, so of course I'm happy for you. I mean, you're the best, but won't you die? Sorry, just give me a minute. I just need a moment to breathe. Die. No, wait, I'm good. I'm totally over it. DIE. Huh. I guess I'm just getting it out of my system.

I'm totally just happy for you, though. I'll just disappear into the dark abyss of dead dreams; I'll wither away unknown and unsuccessful, but I'm so happy one of us will be living out their dreams. Hey, maybe I can be your personal assistant or something. I'll get you coffee.

Are you sure I wasn't mentioned at all? I feel like I was probably in the mix. And plus, you would totally bring up my name if they were ever looking for anyone else, right? You'd do that for me, even thought you represent everything I resent most deeply?

I have no doubt that you know, somewhere deep down, that you got this because you were simply lucky. It was just great timing and sheer luck.

I mean, you’ll probably fail and be fired within a week, and then they’ll realize that they should have hired me instead. I’ll offer you a shoulder to cry on and send you encouraging texts even though I knew this would inevitably happen. I am a great friend, after all. I mean, you should never have been put through this.

You were given such a great job that would look killer on your applications to graduate school only to have it cruelly snatched away from you so soon. It really is so unfair! But I'm sure you'll recover from this tragedy just in time to realize that it's probably for the best that I became your replacement. You’ll see it as the natural, inevitable conclusion to this saga. It was as predictable as the sun rising every morning. You'll understand that this is how it always was and always shall be: me, a success, and you, a failure.

So let's go out for some celebratory cappuccinos!!