For years I've known I was different when it came to relationships. Every single relationship started out as a normal "girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy breaks up with girl," cycle and it would repeat itself. I questioned why every relationship ended, what I did wrong, why it never really worked out with the guy that I had (at the time) wanted to spend my life with. Was I not good enough? Did I not do enough for them? Was there someone else? I truly began to think there was something wrong with me. Now that I'm older, I've realized there's really nothing wrong with me. I'm a good person with a big heart, and I gave more than I ever got in return. I didn't cheat or lie, and I always gave out plenty of second chances. Maybe it was them that had something wrong with them; they were mentally abusive, too sensitive, too immature, too dependent. Maybe I just wasn't into guys like I thought I was, and they could sense that?

Whatever it was that ended relationships in my past never truly started to add up until recently, and it's made me question whether or not I'm truly attracted to men. Am I attracted to women? A little, but I've known that for a long time. But at this point, I don't know what or who it is I actually want in my life. There is nothing wrong with being confused when it comes to your sexuality. Yes, there are always stigmas when it comes to "being confused;" people say you're just "going through a phase," or you're "just confused because you got your heart broken." What does it even matter anymore?? We live in a society that has legalized same sex marriage, and widely (read: mostly) accepts members of the homosexual community. It's no one's place to question someone else's sexual orientation, or to think differently about them because they've decided to come out.

I'm not saying I'm gay. I'm not saying I'm straight. I'm not "coming out of the closet," because who knows if I'm even in it? At this point, I don't truly know what I am. Yes, I find myself attracted to both sexes, and I also at times find myself repulsed by both. Maybe I'm just at a place in my life where being in a relationship and becoming close with someone scares the living hell out of me and I want nothing to do with anyone right now. There's nothing wrong with not knowing what you want in your life, or who you want. I'm in my early 20s, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me to figure this stuff out. I don't need anyone to make me happy, and I certainly am not in any place to be looking for a relationship at this point in my life. For now, I'm letting the universe handle things however it pleases, and I know that eventually I will end up where I'm supposed to be in life with exactly who I'm meant to be with.