(Trigger Warning)

Dear You,

I want to apologize, overall.

Apologize for being friends for years;

For supposedly leading you on...all this time-

So I apologize for what I did.

What I said,

and what I was wearing.

Even though you knew that striped crew neck was my damn favorite.

But, most of all:

I apologize for not being strong,

brave,

courageous,

Or even smart enough to see what you were doing-

Before it was too late.

It all happened so fast in the beginning, before it happened to be hours.

I apologize for not being strong enough to say no, to you, when your hand crept up my inner thigh, ever so slowly. I then began to sweat, whilst my body felt icy to the touch- now, I started to silently cry.

I swear to God, over the years I have learned to master the art of silent sobbing- however, I'm sure you noticed, with your swift movement just as your clammy hand rubbed the teardrops flowing from my eyes.

Upon sight of the melted mascara down my face, and the mess- solely you created, you quickly turned away your head in some sort of restless desire for this to be over soon, too. I guess you finally realized I was not even worth it.

I soon became numb to your movements and let myself go under the influence of whatever entered my body

It was pure terror running through my veins, an overriding rush of true fear, that seemingly balanced out every other feeling.

All into a master-minded emotion known as hatred.

Hatred for you-

Hatred for myself-

Hatred for the world-

And G-d, himself,

I wondered for hours...days...

For what felt like months, I sat in my room and questioned my faith in myself, and my faith in God.

Nonetheless, I couldn't determine what wrongdoings I had sinned for that amounted the reality of my situation on September 28th.