I first realized I had a problem last autumn while I was helping with the school play. A large keyboard was found loitering in the hall that the we use as our green room and had to be moved. So I took it upon myself to move it, even though one of the directors told me it could wait until someone came to help. As I lugged it to the band room, she stepped out the door and called, “Anna, you don’t have to be a hero.”

“I know,” I answered, “It’s not that heavy. It’s just awkward.” Close on the heels of that sentence came the whispered thought, “Yes, I do and I always have.” I came away from that moment a little shocked at how brutally honest I’d just been with myself. It was true, of course. I realized that the second I thought it.

Since then, I’ve been pondering the question of "Why." Why do I feel the need to be everyone’s hero, including mine? And I think I’ve finally figured it out: I am an extreme people-pleaser. I don’t just do things for people out of some misguided sense of duty. I genuinely enjoy helping people. The trouble is somewhere along the line, that love for helping became my identity. I couldn’t tell you when it happened, but the fact is making other people happy has become my center. Not only is this extent of people-pleasing a completely unhealthy mindset to have, but it carries with it a whole slew of repercussions that have infected every part of my life.

Decisions are the worst. The simplest choices leave me stuck at a miserable impasse, even if I know what I want. I find myself weighing everyone else’s thoughts and opinions against my options and berating myself for being selfish when my desires run contrary to theirs. Because no matter what I decide to do, I have to disappoint someone. And that hurts.

All my life, I've worked hard to get good grades. No one ever had to tell me that I needed them. I told myself. For the longest time, I thought it was solely because I was a nerd – and, to an extent that is part of it – but as I've watched my attitude toward school and grades change over the last three years, I've come to realize that I'm not afraid of failing, I’m afraid of not meeting people’s expectations. My parents and my teachers, they all know I'm capable of good work, and somehow, getting a B feels like letting them down.

My people-pleasing, obviously, also influences my interactions with others. I constantly worry about what people are thinking about me. Not so much in a do-they-like-me kind of way, but in more of an am-I-making-them-uncomfortable way. Am I overwhelming them by talking too much? Is the silence making them feel awkward? It’s not easy to be fully myself around people because I live in perpetual fear that some facet of who I am will upset, angry, annoy or otherwise negatively affect them.

I tend to bottle things up, to cover every emotion – excitement, sorrow, anger – with a mask of neutrality. I struggle, often believing that I have to always be alright because showing my weakness and falling apart might be an inconvenience for the people around me. This makes even the littlest sorrow seem heavier and lonelier. But of course, I’m really just being selfish and I need to suck it up. Thankfully, my friends have worked hard to begin reversing this unfortunate mentality.

Even showing other people that I care can be difficult. I am very much a physical touch person, but I know that not everyone else is. So even though I’d love to just run up and hug someone whom I'm trying to befriend, I refrain in case they don’t like hugs or in case they’re just not feeling like it at that moment or a thousand other reasons, however arbitrary and ridiculous. Just saying “Hello” to people was difficult for a while. I feared that even my greetings could be found annoying. So I stayed silent, unless they spoke to me.

The positive side of being an extreme people-pleaser is that little things can absolutely make your day. If someone I admire smiles at me or says hello first or hugs me for almost any reason, I spend the rest of the day grinning like an idiot. The negative side is I put all the pressure of initiating interaction on the other people and then am sorely disappointed when they don’t hear my silent pleadings for their acceptance and friendship.

Now, I’m not pretending to have all the answers. This is still something I working through. Some aspects I’ve overcome; others, I continue to struggle with. But if you’re reading this and you identify with what I’m saying, please hear this: You are not alone. Cut yourself some slack. You can’t please everyone. Believe me, I’ve tried. Surround yourself with people who care enough to see through your mask of neutrality and toughness to who you really are. Because you are worth being truly known. Get away from the people who use you and find people who can help you to achieve the balance you need.

Don’t let other people’s happiness become your identity.