I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. But I definitely claim to have my life under control on the regular when it is so clear that I don’t. I find comfort in my grades and if those fail me (which anything less than perfect is considered to do so), I don’t know where to turn.

“Wow, life must be so hard. You stress out about your grades, join the club.” I’m not going to sit here and say I am the only one, but I am going to say that I took it to an extreme and that’s not healthy, and I’m now at a point where I can look back and see exactly where I went wrong.

There is nothing wrong with wanting good grades or having ambition. Both of these things tend to be publicly viewed as good, but when these things become an idol and your only solace is found in them, you’re going to live feeling dead. And this is really true for anything, if you value yourself only as much as you are valued by it, whether that’s grades or a significant other or how much money you have, you are ultimately going to be let down.

I was living from accomplishment to accomplishment, only feeling as full as my resume was at that moment in time. There was always something new I was going for, and not getting it would end in literal tears. I envied those with better grades, better resumes. Success was the only thing that mattered and that was measured by how much I’d accomplished in the last 24 hours. I envied those with better grades, better resumes.

Striving for perfection caused me to deteriorate as a person in ways I couldn’t see until after the fact. I wasn’t focused on the relationships I had with those around me but rather the numbers that showed up on recent tests and assignments. I wasn't focused on others, but only on myself. It’s easy to downward spiral when you don’t even feel the fall.

But one day I did. It came to me that I was in such a bad place. That my self worth was no longer found in who I was, but how smart I was considered to be. But like any weakness I had, I wasn’t about to go telling the world. Why show you have a weakness when you can hide it? So I continued to lock myself away and work as I knew how to.

One day though when confiding in a friend it became very clear to me that I was not living as fully as I could be, and that ultimately valuing myself based on anything tangible was always going to disappoint me. My ambition to have perfect grades was selfish and was always going to disappoint me. I wasn’t even focused on what I was going to do as a result of what I had learned, but rather was only focused on what number my GPA was going to be. Because my ambition would only serve me, it would also fail me.

I’m not perfect, and I will never claim to be. Tangible things will let me down, so I no longer seek solace in them. I know that I have a purpose greater than my grades and am working to no longer be considered a workaholic. There is more to life than my grades, and I'm working to focus on that and find my purpose in it. While I've come a long way, I know I have a long way to go, and I have faith that I can work through that as well.

"For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:16-17