When you've been consistently giving campus tours for a full year, you learn a few tricks of the trade, a few shortcuts, and more than a few pet-peeves. Having given three campus tours and four Conservatory tours of our performing arts building here at Shenandoah in the past week alone, I feel like it's time to break the silence and shatter the glass ceiling: it's time to release the tour guide confessions.
1. Walking backwards
Okay. Here's the thing. We really are trying. We get it, it's hard to hear us if we're walking with our backs to you and I'm trying my very best. All I ask in return is you warn me when a large object is directly behind me and I cannot see it. Alright?! I'm not your slapstick comedian! It really isn't that funny for all of us when I smash into a rolling piano!
2. Statistics
Yes, to be a tour guide I had to memorize a ton of facts about the school and programs that I'm not familiar with on the day-to-day. And I'm happy to answer general questions for you. But to the moms who keep rapid fire asking statistic-related questions, chances are my answers are a little fudged! It's hard to remember that "class sizes are 10-19 students" when you're also asking me the size of the undergraduate student body, size of incoming freshman class, and average number of mozzarella sticks consumed freshman year. Consult CollegeBoard, not the tour guide who just fell into a Dragon Tales style knuckerhole without you warning her.
3. Please dear Lord, be careful
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Especially when I'm touring a large group, if it's somewhere with potential danger. Just be adults and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. I'm talking to you, dads, who keep trying to use the power equipment when I bring you into our scene shop. I'm talking to you!
4. Please at least **fake** interest
Okay high schoolers, I get it that a lot of you have been dragged here by mom or dad who is trying to get you a headstart on this college process. I get it. It's hot and you may not want to be here. Just maybe for my sanity, pretend to laugh at my prepared tour guide jokes? I'm trying my best here friends.
5. No...why...why are you all stopping...
This might be the worst. When a tour group passes some sort of sports practice, or some sort of outdoor class of some kind, and the entire group just stops. And stares. Just stares at these poor volleyball girls who are just trying to practice and wear spandex in peace! Also, the world is not behind some Law and Order SVU interrogation room glass. The volleyball players you're staring at can see you staring. Move along friends, move along!
6. Walk and talk!
Please! We have places to be! A time crunch! The mom and daughter from Wisconsin to be in Baltimore by 4! When I'm giving information loudly in your general direction, sometimes even by walking backwards, that is in no way a cue to just stop moving! If that was the case, I would have told you all the information before we even started, and we would have just solemnly and silently paced this campus together. And I don't think you want that, do you?!
7. Don't insult my school please.
Honestly this is the biggest pet-peeve. I'm allowed to make self-deprecating school jokes if I so please, you are not. I'm obviously giving tours because I really love it here! Any rude remarks you make about the school being pretty small, if you snidely say we don't have a lot of eating options, even if you so much as make fun of our mascot, chances are it will royally piss me off. Those kind of jokes are for me, not you, maggots.
Respect your tour guides, friends!
