Hy·po·chon·dri·ac

noun

1- a person who is abnormally anxious about their mental health

2- me

Yes, we exist. We could be the healthiest, most cautious people in the world, yet we feel this strange sense of doom every time we believe something abnormal is occurring. You may be asking yourselves “how could you feel something abnormal if there really isn’t anything wrong?” Good question, we’re still asking ourselves the exact same thing. Hypochondriasis is the condition in which we feel like we’re about to be diagnosed with a serious illness when all we’re perceiving are warped sensations and psychosomatic symptoms. These are my confessions *law, and order DUN DUN*.

1. Every irregular heartbeat feels like I’m having a heart attack

“Irregular” meaning that I’m psychologically believing it is irregular, which of course must mean that I'm experiencing actual palpitations. This begins the endless cycle of pacing back and forth, wondering when my time will come, and asking why this feeling must always occur when I’m trying to go to bed. After the 10 minute freak out and passing the period of time for which my death should have occurred, I over think why I didn’t die, which freaks me out even more.

2. Every cold feels like it could develop into the flu

I have a feeling that almost everyone can empathize with this one, so I'll call it less of a confession and more of a statement.

3. Every headache feels like brain cancer

I wish I were kidding about this confession but unfortunately, I’m that insane to believe that one headache could be the beginning of cancer. Yes, cancer. Look, if WebMD says it, then it must be true.

4. Every time I feel so much as a strange itch, I have to google the symptoms of MRSA

This all began when one seemingly small mosquito bite began to actually hurt and eventually morphed into a raging case of MRSA. Now, this was one of those times where I should have been worrying, but I never expected an innocent bug bite to develop into something dangerous. Thankfully, now I know better and added bug bites to my “irrational means of obtaining a serious illness” list.

5. Every time I dive into a pit of anxiety over an illness I know I shouldn’t be worrying about, I worry that the anxiety will cause a serious disease

I’m telling you, it’s an endless cycle of feeling anxious, telling myself not to be anxious, and then finally becoming even more anxious over my anxiety.

6. Every beauty spot looks like it could be hiding something very suspicious

AKA, skin cancer. I wear more than the necessary amount of sunscreen, but the moment I see a beauty spot or mole that looks like it wasn’t as big as it is now, I religiously watch it until I manage to forget about this latest health scare. It could be the mole I was born with, and I’d still question its existence.

7. Every time I think something’s wrong, I immediately resort to Google

One Hypochondriac Rule that Every Hypochondriac Breaks: Don’t EVER resort to Google. It’s a trap! Google may tempt you with its ability to pull up results in a matter of minutes, but don’t be fooled by all of the information that doesn't apply to you. Now, will I ever listen to this piece of sage advice? I better ask Google.