I do not know what it is about me, but I see the way you all pick other people before me. Maybe it is a subconscious thing, I mean maybe you do not even realize you are doing it, but I can see it and my goodness, I can feel it.

It is like you guys all have this bond, this close-knit relationship filled with inside jokes and side glances and secret code words and then there is me. The peripheral friend, I am there, but not entirely on the inside, at least that is what it feels like.

Because I am not a priority to you guys, I only get hit up to hang out when no one else is around. I am the backup friend, the friend you call when you feel too insecure to walk into a room of crowded people alone. Then I am the friend you ditch the second you get there and find someone better.

Do you know how many times I have been left behind and you have all gone home without me? Like, am I invisible to you or just that unimportant that I don't even cross your mind by the end of the night?

Honestly, it hurts the most because I am the first person to make sure no one is left out. I am always reaching out to check up on every one of you, to make sure you are okay when I see a gloomy look in your eyes. Shoot, I have even been there to hold your hair back multiple times while everyone else stayed out partying. So, what is it about me that you write out in as runner-up?

I do not get it. I see other groups of girlfriends walking around, sitting at brunch, everyone involved and it makes me wonder, is it just me? Am I putting up a wall, so I don't get hurt by you guys? Am I not allowing myself to fall completely into these friendships in fear of getting shut out?

See that might very well be the case, but I do not think it is because when we are all together as a group, it is just different. I make an effort to stay a part of all of your lives individually, at least I try to. I do all little the things that 'friends' are supposed to do like texting to see how your day is or showing up at your work when it is slow, to say hi. But it is like once you are all together, you let me slip between the cracks. It is like my relationships with each of you fades the second you are all together as if you treasure your relationships with each other more than with me.

I get that everyone has their 'best friend' and their 'favorite friend,' but I'm starting to see I am really not anyone's favorite friend. You probably do not even realize how many times I have been asked to go shopping, get my hopes up so high that I have finally made it as the first choice, only to hear "yeah, everyone else was busy, so it's just us." I wish you could feel how much it hurts to hear those words and yet, I always go.

Am I making myself too available? Am I around so often that you assume I will always be there? I will not. At some point, people are going to walk into life, and they will end up being the friends I always knew I deserved. The ones who actually care about me. They will want to call me in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday to go grab coffee and talk, and not because no one else could go. I will be the first person they think to invite to their BBQ's and pool parties. They will actually care if I am there or not.

Then, you are going to miss me. What I have to offer you all is an honest, wholehearted friendship. I am there when you need me in a heartbeat, always, and I never judge you, I even put up with all the times you have let me down and still had your back. But I am not sure I can say the same for the rest of you. At least you have never given me any proof of you holding up the other half of a friendship, and I am not sure if you ever will.

So right now, I will be your backup friend. I will be there when you need me because I do see the good in every one of you. I just hope you know this friendship is not going to last forever and there will come a day when you need me and I will not be there to save you. I just hope you have built strong enough friendships with each other that you can actually take care of each other the right way.