As I grow up there are some aspects about myself that seem to stay them same. My constant need to have parent approval, my thirst for a happily ever after, and an unbelievable amount of awkward. I have developed a stutter and can no longer sit up straight and look authority figures in the eye without fear of bursting into tears. All of my character flaws are textbook in the development stage of teenagers yet, here I am thinking about my prince charming and hiding from my boss.
There has definitely been an upgrade in my hopes and dreams, in that I could be getting engaged soon and I might be getting my first "big girl" job in the next year. I can stand in front of groups of people and tell them about a book that I am passionate about, but I can not stand up for myself when I get passionate about my current job. There are so many small details that go into our daily lives and we are all expected to react the same way to avoid upsetting our fellow companions. At what point do our adolescent decisions and actions become intolerable to every single person and situation in our adult lives? We let these feelings build and build and we never say anything, at least I can not say anything. Is that part of growing up? Loosing one's voice until you have no other option but to stop speaking all together in order to please everyone.
I have lost my voice. Where before I was outspoken and to an extent firm where I stood with my beliefs I now stand in the shadows as I let the men I work with trample my voice. Encouraging comments, from my adolescent period, ring in my ears as John Doe tells me I need to "shut up and get back in my place." Why?
I have worked just as hard and passionate in every area of my life, like any other woman, and the moment I decide to fulfill my little girl dreams of happily forever after, the working world says I have to step down because my work ambition is too bold, loud, and irritating to the man. This does not happen to just me. I know it does not because I have spent the last two years studying the evolution of woman, and here we are in good ole' 2016, and still being told women are too frail to have an opinion so strong.
The only thing that bothers me above all others is that as a child I was told to buck up and not cry, and now that I practice that as a grown woman, and I have stayed the same, I am considered rude in the eyes of the men I work with. There is a constant fear that I will get fired or replaced if I do not cater to the feelings of people who are as old as I am if not older, and some how do my job. I have grown into my dreams of waiting for prince charming and understanding what my big girl job should be, but at no point was I prepared to have to nurture grown men in a field that does not call for hand holding.
