Have you ever completely lost control of your life? Something overtakes you so dramatically that you no longer know yourself. It's supposed to be you against the world but now it's the world and you..against you. And you are the worst person you ever want to be against you. You know all of your mistakes, all of your flaws, insecurities, dreams...You know every way to completely annihilate your whole being and you will inflict all the pain you have onto yourself again.
Have you ever lost control of your life? You're driving at 60 miles per hour and suddenly your steering wheel is turning uncontrollably... As you're about to crash into something, you're so frantic that you don't know if you hit the brakes or accidentally hit the gas...
Have you ever lost control of your life? Have you ever let something overtake you so entirely that you might as well have just gotten in the car and proceeded to drive down the freeway, with your eyes closed? Maybe you'll hit ice, you'll probably go off the road...you'll definitely hit something. But do you really care? You say that you do, you say you don't want to hurt anymore, but why are you driving down the freeway with your damn eyes closed?
Have you ever lost control of your life? Have you ever let something overtake you so completely that you could no longer reasonably be considered a living being? I have... I'll be honest, I've committed "slow suicide" for the past two years of my life. However, I killed myself pretty quickly.
I have used a person rather than an object as my outlet for self-harm. A lot of people cut, burn, overdose, along with countless other things... My outlet for self-harm was a boy. No, that's not romantic. Was I drowning and falling and tripping over his being? Yes. Because he was so wonderful? No. I was dying over him because he wanted me to and I would do anything for him. Is that romantic? No. Why would someone want another to kill themselves for them?
Sadly I've become more hysteric at the situation of losing someone whose toxic to my life than driving my car off the road into a guardrail. He stopped texting me, calling me a "worthless slut" and suddenly I was hurt beyond belief. Before I knew he was thinking of me, now he didn't care enough to try to hurt me...which meant he was no longer hurt over me, right? Was my existence even evident? Why was I so pathetic?
I finally acknowledged my self-defeating behaviors, I need to stop the self-torture. I looked at my life and realized that I had no control over it. It's not as easy as finally acknowledging the problem and then suddenly being better. This is an entire illness that I realize will take work and time to overcome and as I am a human being, I deserve to have my life. My life is mine and yours is yours and I promise that no matter how much you believe you love someone, if they are destroying you every breath you take, its time to walk away. Yes, I am in control of my actions but if I stay another second longer, my slow suicide would surely turn into something even more. I'm no longer considering my irrational behaviors as signs of love and maybe that's the first step to recovery. Staying up the entire night clutching my stomach in extreme agony while my sobs keep me from thoroughly breathing is not a sign of love.
Have you ever completely lost control of your life? I know I have. Please realize your worth and take the steps with me towards living again...
