College starts in about a month for most of us in the age range of 18–22. And I know that if you are a freshman coming to or even living on campus for the first time, not being prepared might as well be a death sentence. As such, many people will write lists about what they feel is needed to be said to freshman coming that sometimes aren't said by anyone else. However, I’m here to tell you that these lists are repetitive. You read one, you’ve read them all. That is why I’ve gone against the grain, and I give you my college tips. I warn you, this is pretty much required reading, because if you go against any of these tips, you’re going to have a bad time.
1. Don’t start or end a life.
2. Never perform a rear-naked choke on your crush to show off your martial arts training.
3. Never perform a triple gainer with a twist unless you are sure you are going to stick the landing.
4. Powerade is a terrible, albeit delicious, replacement for laundry detergent.
5. If you are going to get swole at the workout facility, wear clothes.
6. Intro-level economics courses are a lot less like “The Price is Right” than you might expect.
7. The Newman Club isn’t a bunch of people trying on clothes and shouting, “I feel like a new man!”
8. Don’t challenge your roommate to a “dislocating your own shoulder” competition.
9. Pictures of food are not edible.
10. Beds are for sleeping, not swimming.
11. Don’t parkour off of your unsuspecting classmates’ backs.
12. Don’t loudly shout the endings to recently released movies. Good God, listen to this one.
13. Don’t duct tape the face of someone on crutches while they are walking.
14. No matter how clean the needle, using a syringe to inject someone with steroids randomly is not as appreciated as you may think.
15. If you want to impress someone, performing a wheelie on their ankle is not the way to go.
16. NyQuil cough syrup is not a suitable replacement for water.
17. Breathing is required to survive college.
18. Farts cannot propel you into the air high enough to reach your fourth floor calculus class on time.
19. Never tease anyone by playing keep-away with their glass eye.
20. If you have to grow a third leg as a part of pledging for a fraternity, don’t feel pressured to do so.
21. Do not gurgle the chemicals you are given in a chemistry class.
22. Do not loudly sing the lyrics of “1985” during bowling practice.
23. Shouting “food fight” during Holy Communion gets you kicked out of churches incredibly fast.
24. Jumping out of a closed window from a standing position may sound impressive, but it is also just as painful.
25. Finally, have fun!
Follow these tips, and you will be much more successful than I was my freshman year. Trust me.
