Here we are... Christmas.
It's hard to believe it came this fast. I can't really wrap my head around it. It seems like I blinked and Halloween went by. We might've actually skipped Thanksgiving by accident, should we go back and look for it? Maybe do it again? No? Okay...
I'm stressin', guys.
I'm worried. I'm one step closer to graduation and no steps closer to being an adult. I still live at home, I still only work part time and even though I know I have options, I'm nervous. I can't wait to actually get out into the real world and have a job and an apartment and health insurance and a place to hang up my keys or whatever, but I can't help but worry.
What if I don't find those things right away? What if I have to keep living with my mom for months? Years? I seriously want to grow up, but I feel strained and unable to do so. I'm held back by constantly being reminded that I'm not finished yet.
But what happens when I am finished? Does that degree become a golden ticket? Does that fancy piece of paper with my name on it open up infinite doors? Or does it just put me back at the starting line again, not passing GO, not collecting $200?
Though I'm thankful for Christmas break (it's a welcome distraction from the mounds of school work I've been doing the last few weeks), I'm ready to finish my degree. My school, like most, works in semesters, which means we get a month off for Christmas break. If it weren't for my job at the athletic department, I would spend that month pulling my hair out, feeling entirely useless. Also napping.
As I turn on the radio and hear Christmas music on almost every station, I'm reminded of the fact that I barely have money to get presents for my family and friends. My sister and mother each deserve their own private island, but I can barely afford to get my mother the butter dish she wants. It's extremely frustrating.
I'm also a total Grinch and hate the culture of gifts and getting in the United States, but they each deserve the world.
I feel stuck. I feel like I need a jumpstart. I know that will come in January when I return for my last semester, but I'm dying. I can't wait that long. It feels like trying to scratch an itch through a thick sweater. Sure, you can scratch over it, but it feels eons better if you just pull up your sleeve.
I don't mean to sound so negative this time of year. I'm thankful for my family, my friends, the fact that I have a warm home and Internet and the ability to go to school. I'm thankful that I can spend money on gifts and don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I know that there are others without.
I think my best bet is to keep myself busy this Christmas season. I'm going to work extra hours and volunteer and clean up around the house. I'm going to do things for other people before they ask me to. I'm going to spend time with my family and make memories with my friends and be thankful that now is a time I have the luxury of doing that.
I hope everyone has a phenomenal Christmas, Hannukkah, Kwanza, or whatever you celebrate. I hope you enjoy the holidays and that you're happy and fulfilled by the New Year.
