I’ve learned a lot about myself and the world my first year of college. I’ve learned never to schedule an 8 a.m. class, the best spots in the library, and where to get the cheapest coffee. Something I never thought I’d learn, however, was how little self-control I have around food when I’m drunk.
The drunchies are alive and well people. You truly don’t know your own strength until you’re intoxicated at 2 in the morning and there is an open 7/11 around the corner. I’d always wake up on Sunday mornings with the crinkle of the Cheez-it box as the only indication of the atrocities I’d committed.
By second semester, it was obvious that I had hit rock bottom. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” my friends would whisper to me at parties. “I can stop whenever I want to!” I’d yell back, running away with the chips before they could take them away.
What I’ve learned from the drunchie lifestyle is how similar the behavior is to alcoholism. * In that case, I’ve found it most interesting and helpful to take the most relevant steps of AA and apply them to drunk eating. I’d like to replace God with “roommates”, since they were truly my voice of reason in the times of darkness (darkness being, of course, in the dark…in my bed… as I was drunk eating).
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol drunchies —that our lives had become unmanageable.
This **handclap** is **handclap** so **handclap** true **handclap**. Like the wise Ben Parker (RIP) once said, with great power comes great responsibility. The power to go straight to the vending machines after a night out is a lot of responsibility- you will learn this quickly.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves roommate could restore us to sanity.
My roommates helped a lot with this, although not intentionally. Many times I’d be the last one to come in at night, and you don’t realize how loud opening a chip bag is until you have two sleeping people three feet away from you. Even if I got past that stage without startling anyone awake, my loud crunching would usually draw cries of protest from all opposing parties. I then would hesitatingly say goodbye to my snack until the morning. The next morning, I’d usually wake up wondering why the hell I would buy and eat a stick of cheese from 7/11. Thank you for restoring me to sanity, my blessed roommates.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him roommates.
Let’s remember that this whole roommate thing may only apply to my situation. We all have our vices, and hopefully at the same time we all have things that remind us that there is a way to overcome our weaknesses, may it be crack cocaine or Goldfish (they’re interchangeable). ** People turn to food when they’re drunk for many different reasons; for me, I’m just hungry. You have to find your personal reason, and come to terms with it before you can start putting down the nachos.
4. Admitted to God roommate, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
A lot of the times, my drunk eating adventures have a partner in crime. Am I selfish to say that makes me feel less bad about myself? I can usually tell the OG homies by who makes that trip to the vending machine with me and spends another hour eating and talking. The best part is that you have someone to feel guilty with the next morning. So as long as one of you guys can develop the sensibility to stop drunk eating in its tracks, you both will be OK.
What I’ve ended up doing is replacing the junk food I normally eat with healthy food. No one should be ashamed for eating- it’s all about moderation. However, it’s very easy to finish an entire box of pop-tarts under the influence. That’s why, if you’re going to binge eat, try to overload on something healthy. It’s easier getting chips than carrots at 2 in the morning, so I stock up ahead of time so I have something guilt-free to come home to.
5. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics drunchaholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
*Disclaimer: this article is meant to be totally satirical and dumb- there is no chance in hell that drunchies can even be a bit compared to alcoholism
**Crack cocaine and goldfish are not interchangeable, I know. (JK they are)
