My heartbeat is louder than my thoughts
Or are my thoughts louder than my heartbeat?
I find myself crying more than usual,
Or have I just spent too much time pretending to be OK?
The white walls of my dorm room are my only company
And they moan and groan with the slightest bit of sarcasm
"WOE IS YOU"
And I sit there staring them in the face
Desperately ticking off reasons
Excuses
Lies
Happy lies to keep this face smiling
"I have friends and I do OK in school."
That's right.
I have-well had friends.
Too busy too tired too done
With this limbo between adulthood and student-hood
Who ascribed me as a happy go lucky teen
While I identify as manic depressive
And made sure they always saw me manic
I do OK in school
By the skin of my teeth
Hopefulness whispers
"C's get degrees"
Because I can't put the A in pass
But I can put the C in mediocre
Because everything I do now is lackluster
I'll laugh when I exclaim to be a broke college student
Yet I can afford to almost never be sober
I'll shrug when we talk about failing grades
Low GPA
Academic probation
I'll say I'm doing good when proud family members call to say hello
I'll be honest with you
But only after 15 shots or so
I'll sleep when I'm dead, or at least after I graduate
Your diploma isn't just a ticket to a career
But evidence, proof that you survived
You survived the loneliness
The ridicule
The doubt
The heavy partying
The hangovers
The bad trips
The F's
The D's
And the D's who always see the worst
In too busy, too tired, too done college students
Hi, I'm a Junior
But if you as my academic advisor
I'm a Sophomore
But that's because they don't know Super Senior exist
It's going to be about me, my relationship, and my grades.
No more drinking and no more crying.
I'll keep myself busy so I don't have to listen to white walls,
I'll workout so I don't have to spend time staring into the mirror
I'll pray more and be ungrateful less.
I'll only drink on weekends because the weekdays are hard
I'm not entirely sure what I want to do when I graduate
If...I graduate
I'm going to pretend I do though
I'm going to sleep more because the me in the mirror can use it
I'm going to finally let mom decorate my walls because she's the only one who thinks my depression is in my head and walls can't talk
I'm going to move to anywhere else after I graduate
And busy myself there
Because I'm too tired and too sick
Of here.
