College campuses across the nation are being rocked by protests about racial insensitivity. Yale, a university so prestigious its name has become a household brand, is one of these universities. The student body at that institution reacted violently against an email sent by Erika Christakis, a master at a residential college, which appeared to excuse potentially offensive costumes on Halloween.
With this in mind, I would like to issue a deeply heartfelt apology. I had the audacity, the cheek, the thoughtlessness to commit an egregious act of appropriation. I donned the traditional Bavarian garment -- the proud lederhosen. My costume was a shameless representation of a great culture. Replete with embroidery, bows and an inappropriate amount of thigh, I entered costume competitions and celebrated Halloween with zeal.
I come before you, arms outstretched, a humble suppliant begging for forgiveness. Perhaps my crime speaks less to an individual problem and more to a sickness of the West itself. It’s society’s fault not mine! What’s a poor boy meant to do, when one can purchase a pair of novelty hosen from the intriguingly named "Leg Avenue" on Amazon for a pittance? When will the world realize that traditional Tyrolean and Bavarian working clothes are not a costume? Culture is not a costume! Thankfully, I’ve had a conversion. In a moment of clarity, I attained to the sight of my foolishness. I’ve become an ally to the Tyrolean and Bavarian cause. I know now that this photo really isn’t funny at all.
Of course, I’m being too specific. I should focus on the bigger picture. One section of this nation’s population is subjected to humiliation on an unprecedented scale. I can only imagine that members of this group dread Halloween each year, when their very being and form is used as tool of sexualization and mockery. I’m calling for all men, women and children of moral character to end the oppression of kitty cats now! This is the 21st century. Wake up people! Cats are humans too! History will judge us by the actions we take now. I know, for sure, that I want to be on the right side of that judgment. Think next year before you decide to sport a pair of ears and some seductively traced whiskers.
Shame on these girls.
President DeGioia, the ball is in your court. Georgetown students are calling out for action. End the oppression "meow."
We stand with you, our feline friends.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article and does not represent any views I may hold. It’s not meant to be taken seriously. So, please don't. My only intention is to be funny.
