College is depicted in every TV show and movie as four awesome years of friends, relationships, parties, and if there is time, classes. However, the reality does not always fit this cheery image.
First of all, some background: I was diagnosed with social phobia my senior year of high school. I went through cognitive-behavioral therapy-- basically therapy designed to change the way you think. Upon completing it, I found I did have much better social skills. However, what never changed was some of the anxiety I got in social situations. The idyllic college experience I described above? That's the extrovert's experience; it hasn't always been mine.
Most people on my campus have no idea that I have this problem. Many will be finding out for the first time when this article is published. Social anxiety, like any other anxiety disorder can often be a hidden illness. It is very easy to hide the fact that you have it, even from the people closest to you. However, just because I can hide it, does not mean that it has not affected me.
My freshman year I came to college terrified of my own shadow. Everyone else seemed to acclimate so much better and I just felt lost, unable to form any real friendships. Amazingly, despite the fact that I was so far inside my shell and looked like a turtle...
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...somehow there was still this one beautiful girl who had a crush on me. Trust me, it surprises me more than it surprises any of you. But because of this anxiety, when she tried to tell me how she felt, I shut her down despite feeling the same way. I was terrified of having to handle this whole new experience. In the movies, there would be some dramatic montage where I found the courage to stand outside her window with a boom box, but unfortunately my anxiety did not allow that kind of dramatic gesture. She eventually forced me to be honest, and I was able to tell her how I felt... over text. Anything more than that scared me way too much.
The best decision I ever made in college was joining Greek Life. In it I have found a support system that I only could have dreamed of. If it wasn't for them, I would not be able to convince people that I am normal. I would not have been able to do half the things I have been able to do. However, it barely happened. After both the first and second night of rush I came back to my room and literally cried. The stress of having all of those social interactions was destroying me. I legitimately considered not going to formal rush, and if I hadn't I would have missed out on some of the greatest opportunities and memories I will ever have.
This would be far from the last time my social phobia kept me from doing what I really wanted to. It is honestly hard for me to count the number of times where I have had to leave a party or event because it became overwhelming to me. It is no fault of any of the people there, it's just a fact of who I am. I do not have the personality to deal with that many people for that long. I wear down before that.
This year I somehow was able to participate in Sing for my fraternity (though we did not do very good). For this, I had to stand on stage in front of about a thousand people: one of my worst nightmares (literally, I have had this nightmare) had come true. That day I stood on that stage and... survived. Barely. I literally walked off the stage, tore off my gown and sat in a corner as I hyperventilated and had an anxiety attack.
There is this perception in America that extroversion is the natural way. That being shy is a fault that needs to be corrected. I wish I could say I have stayed above that and recognized my personal strengths as an introvert, but that would be a lie. I own multiple books on trying to "correct" my shyness. I am going to let you all in on a secret. It does not work. You can teach yourself certain skills but those only go a small way in the long run.
You need to accept who you are as you are right now. It is hard to be an introvert. But needing a night to yourself does not mean you are disappointing your friends. Needing to leave a party early does not mean that you hate someone there. Struggling to do something everyone else can do does not make you dumb. It is easy for these thoughts to start to creep in. I know they have for me before, but you are who you are, and you can achieve incredible things.
