Breathe. Breathe. It's okay. It's okay.

But nothing is okay. Everything is falling apart. No one loves you. No one will ever love you.

You deserve happiness. Nothing is falling apart. You got this. Breathe, Cat. You have people who love you.

I can't. Someone is choking me and I'm crying but no noise is coming out. I'm screaming but it's only in my head. I'm fighting a battle no one can see.

Everyday I have to talk myself down. Everyday I have to push the demon out of my mind. The funny thing is no one would even think I'm having a panic attack. They wouldn't understand that when I fade into my mind it's a labyrinth of insecurity and panic, tangled together enticing me to get lost. I have to forcibly pull myself out and try my hardest to stay in the present, not to let my mind wander. Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I wonder if all the whispers are true and that I am failing. I wonder if I am doing life right. What is right? I have no idea but my mind tells me that what I'm doing is not right.

I don't want to fail. I don't want to disappoint everyone. I don't want the people who put me down to be right. I don't want to be a bad girlfriend. I don't want to be a flaky friend or a bad daughter. I don't want to be behind everyone else, feeling like I constantly having to catch up. I don't want to feel inadequate. I want to feel normal. I want to be normal.

I'll tell you something else, I don't take criticism well. Outside, I'm calm and smiling, thanking you for your help. Inside, its like an earthquake. My core gets shaken and I wonder why I even bother. "Clearly, you are terrible at English and should stop pursuing it", anxiety says wrapping its hands around my heart squeezing until my chest hurts so badly, I can't feel anything. I wrap myself within this empty, numb feeling that I use to protect myself. I am so very sensitive but I hide behind a tough, "I don't care" attitude. I hide everyday, wearing a new mask, never showing the girl underneath.

All the while, I look perfect. Get straight A's, even in college. Work a part-time job. Am in a relationship. All the while, people say how well I am doing and to keep up the good work. They don't know the pressure they just released in my mind and my fear of failure begins to rear it's head, so I work myself to death making sure I stay on top. Making sure I succeed and achieve, like they tell me to do. I don't even know what I want because my head is so full of others voices telling me they know best.

If you watch me enough you'll see it. It sneaks out in my actions and words. It's in my eyes. My need to react and lash out when I feel threatened, anxiety is behind it. My need to say things in anger and hurt because someone made me feel stupid. My eyes that beg for help but look at you so coldly, without any passion. The way my eyes stray because I don't know how to hold eye contact. My anxiety lives inside my eyes. If you look long enough, you'll see it and you'll ignore it.

Anxiety feels like hands wrapping around my throat, choking me, taking away my breath, until my lungs are screaming in agony. My heart is pounding and my mind screams for a release but the pressure builds until I snap. My eyes well with tears and I bit my lip, hoping pain will make it stop, just for a second. Anxiety feels like being sexually assaulted all over again. It makes you feel powerless and weak. I relive my attack again and again, my anxiety telling me I deserved it. It was my fault. I led him on. I tell myself that you should've been stronger and smarter. I tell myself I failed at protecting something I once held important. I tell myself I am a failure.

I cry myself to sleep and wake up from nightmares. My past haunts me and my anxiety pulls me closer to hell. Anxiety is the feeling that no one truly knows you because you can't let people in. Anxiety is refusing to believe you are a special little snowflake because others told you you aren't worth anything, that you are better off dead.

Anxiety is like drowning but you can see everyone else around you breathing.

These are the cold whispers of my anxiety.

But...this isn't the end. I will keep fighting my inner war because even in my darkest times, where anxiety is like a demon whispering in my ear, I'll fight it. I will keep fighting during the panic attacks that are so silent it's impossible to see, even when my world is being consumed, I'll fight it. When all I feel is earth shattering numbness and I'm desperately looking for a way to feel, even in the wrong places, I'll fight it. I will fight my inner war, always looking forward towards my future. I will always keep moving one foot in front of the other and for now, that's enough.

Fighting anxiety is a daily struggle but it gets better once you learn to say, "I need help." It's finding an outlet and letting it loose in a healthy manner. It's learning to accept your feelings and talk about it, instead of burying it. It's understanding anxiety is a struggle that will never go away. I hear it everyday, taunting me, dragging me back into the black waters drowning me.

Honestly, some days it wins but there are other days, where it loses and that is what matters.

So, take a deep breath...appreciate this moment of peace...know you are not alone and you have people who love you...then keep moving...

And wage your war against anxiety.