Cold
Over the past few years I haven’t written much.. I’ve spent time working on healing myself. I spent many years alone, rebuilding me. From broken to beautiful, right?
Wrong.
You want the hard, raw truth? Here it is…
People who have been in actual, manipulative, narcissistic relationships… we’re never healed. It’s a CONSTANT battle, with many stages.. and so many triumphs.
I’m personally many years out of my abusive relationship.. and every time I think I’m “healed” I’m taught something else about myself that is a trauma response to what I’ve endured… and than I feel like I’ve failed.
I spent years alone.. I didn’t even crave someone near me. I was bitter. Cold. Heartless, and that’s putting it politely. I needed that time. I needed the bitterness. I needed not to care… and then I got comfortable being cold. I felt safe. If I didn’t let someone near, they weren’t capable of the destruction I had endured.
Then one day someone came into my life… I knew he wasn’t permanent, as a matter of fact I think he was equally as broken as I was.. God knew we both needed each other as a stepping stone…as much as I fought it, God knew I needed someone to push me into caring.. he sent me someone equally as bitter and broken, who literally pushed through my boundaries and started the defrost of my oh so human heart.. I needed someone to remind me why humans crave love, and why opening yourself up to someone was a good thing. That boy probably feels so minor in my life.. but it’s him I’m most grateful for. He reminded me that is okay to want someone in my life, kickstarted my ambition to find the right person.. and while he didn’t “hurt” me in a way most relationships do.. he hurt me in a way that made me feel again for the first time in many years. He kickstarted my drive to find my “right” person.
After him I spent time continuing to heal.. but this time instead of being cold and bitter… I focused on my boundaries… I could feel, and I could trust… I just needed to insure it was healthy…
I’ve had 2 relationships since, each defrosting my heart more and more each time.. and more so, teaching more about myself, and how far I still have to go in my healing process.
What I didn’t see coming after all of these years, is how unhealthy I still was.. my responses were trauma responses. Apologies no matter how sincere, were in my mind- empty. Feelings were constantly buried in attempt to preserve someone else’s… and in turn, shutting down to them entirely brought me back to the term I hated most that I was commonly described as. Cold.
I know that in order to find the right person, the one who understands my soul..the one I don’t have to explain myself to, they just get it.. the one who knows I’m only ever angry when my feelings are hurt.. or knows when I need coffee or tequila..the one whole loves me FOR my scars.. I have to be able to be open. Entirely. To be vulnerable… and I’m just not there yet.
So call me cold. Call me bitter… you know what else I am? I am human. I am learning, I am a warrior with many scars… and I’m WORTHY. I’m worthy of patience. I’m worthy of understanding. I’m worthy of love. I’m worthy of healing. I’m worthy of someone who thinks about me and my feelings with the same consideration I do theirs.
I may be cold…. But dammit, I am fucking worthy.
