It’s a Saturday night. I’m getting ready with my friends, not waiting for a guy to text me and ask for my plans. I’m wearing my favorite shirt because I like it, not because I care what my Instagram picture will look like. But I do want to sing a Spice Girls song at a karaoke bar and laugh when I try to hit notes I know I can’t reach. Because in a world where everyone is excited to get to their next stage in life, I am more than content living for my next unknown adventure.
I am currently 21 years old, the age where everyone seems to be getting their life together. As my fellow peers are planning their jobs and after college plans, I am planning my weekend. I remember a gathering not too long ago where I was surrounded by girls gushing over their dream weddings and the color of their kitchens in their big dream house. In an effort to get me actively engaged they looked at me and I just said, “I want a dog named Meeko." They laughed, and I could tell they were thinking I was so weird. But little do they know, I think they are weird. Because while I do worry about my future, it makes me more excited not knowing what will happen.
Two years ago at this time, I was sitting down with my adviser and to talk about my graduation plan. I remember thinking how crazy that seemed -- I mean I was a freshman in college. I barely knew how to do laundry, so how could I imagine being in the real world? As my adviser smiled at me and asked the typical “where do you see yourself in five years” question, I began hating myself for having the top-notch cheesy response of “I just want to be happy." As naïve as I sounded speaking those words with a nervous smile, it was and still is the truth. She gently laughed and I left. As soon as I reached the hallway, I could feel the tears well in my eyes because I genuinely had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Not the “I want to do something in the medical field” -- it was a complete blank wall when I thought of my dream job. I couldn’t decide what was more terrifying -- not actually knowing what I wanted to do or the feeling that everyone else knew and I was alone and clueless.
I look back at that girl and smile. If only I knew then what I know now. Because within a year so much has changed and while I still might not know entirely what I am doing, I am doing my best. And there was no distinctive moment when everything fell into place. It was the long nights laughing with my friends, the hard tests that had me terrified to check my grades, and the ambiguity behind a new crush that helped me grow up slowly and all at once.
There’s an old saying that says that life is what happens when you are busy worrying about everything else. I challenge myself to worry more about the life happening now than the minor stressors that really don’t have any meaning at all. I now have my major and two minors picked out. I am more self aware and conscious of who I believe I am. Deciphering where I will be in 5 years is still more terrifying than the thought of writing a ten-page paper, singled-spaced, but I finally found the cure. I don’t think about it.
I can attribute so much of who I am now to my college experiences, but the best part is that there is so much more to come. So while I know girls picking out their baby names, I am picking the next place to travel. Because growing up isn’t getting old, growing up is figuring out who you are. All your desires and passions define you and the only way to find these is to find yourself (yes, I hate myself for that cheesy statement too).
