This article may contain triggering material. Read at your own risk.

I've been through a lot. If you read my previous article about my relationship with domestic violence/assault then you only know a small portion. There is so much more than what meets the eye when you meet me. At first, I may seem perfectly normal, but under the surface I am bruised and beaten down by the demons that plague my mind, and that is okay. Well. It's not. You know what I mean. If you don't, let me explain.

I've been dealing with depression ever since sixth grade. Like I've previously stated, I've been through a lot at such a young and bright age of 18. So after dealing with depression for more than 7 years and one failed attempt at therapy,a story in which I will explain later, I've become my own therapist in a way. And yes that is sometimes scary, but no one knows me better than me. So why not?

I've done everything. From starving myself, to eating so much I get physically sick to harming my self with whatever sharp item I can find. I've thought about suicide a few times but never had the nerve to go through with anything. Yes this all may seem sad and horrible, but these things I've went through gave me the strength to who I am today.

Some of my coping mechanisms that I do is I try and take a nap, or a bath. If I'm out with friends I try and look around for things I can use my senses for (sight,hearing,touch,taste and smell). Or if it's late at night and all I have is my phone, I like to use a meditation app called Pacifica. Pacificia is an app designed by psychologists that incorporates activities like guided meditation and guided lessons to help distract you.calm you down and how to cope with that is going on. What I love most about the app is the chat groups you can join for your specific issue and talk with people who are going through a similar thing. And it also allows your therapist to put in their information and check your progress.

Remember the failed therapy attempt I mentioned earlier? There is that story. Be being the dumb child I was, I would post things online after they occurred. Well, one day at school I was called down to the guidance office. Long story short someone had printed out the photos and given them to the school. I was literally forced into a therapy program that I didn't want to be in, but was thankful for. What happened next was ridiculous. My therapist knew damn well that I was afraid of my father, and the main cause of my depression was because of him, but she had me confront him in front of her, which ended in hi threatening her and screaming at me once she left. This crazy lady was trying to get me removed from my home (well that is how I felt) so basically, I don't trust anyone with my problems but me.

I've learned to be one with my mind and use my depression to my advantages and how to talk myself out of something bad before it happens. But I can not stress enough, if you do not feel comfortable with your therapist, leave and find a new one,because they may make you feel worse. While I overcame my issues by myself, there may be people out there who need professional help.

My story may seem far in between and confusing and I may have gone far from my intended path with this article, but depression is something a lot of people deal with. To me, my depression is an old friend. It's something that is with me all the time. It's seen me at my best and my worst. It's fueled my best and worst moments. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it, and it leaves me like a soft spring rain. But it's always with me. And that's okay.

I am my depression. My depression is me. And I love me. And I hate me. But that's life. That's normal.

Resources if you or someone you know needs help

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255