Whether we like to admit to it or not, we Clevelanders hold Cleveland near and dear to our hearts, and by Cleveland we really mean an outskirt city in the 216 area code. Media thrives off of our city -- from our musical talents to our embarrassing sports teams -- in a way that offers our world a plethora of laughs, tears, and the annual, “Maybe next year, Browns.” Cleveland is hated on and mocked by so many other cities, but little do they know how much Cleveland contributes to the world -- talent, legends and our specialty: embarrassment!
The Good
Cleveland is full of diversity and is made up of people of all ethnicities, which adds a unique character to our city. Historically known for its steel production, Cleveland has become home to several neat attractions, restaurants, and celebrities. Not only do we get to refer to our city as “The Land,” but we are also America’s Rockin' Roller-Coast thanks to Cedar Point. Who wouldn’t want to be shot up 420 feet at 120 mph in 3.8 seconds? For those who aren’t quite "ride warriors," don’t fret because Cleveland has more to offer. If you love adventure, but aren’t quite into adrenaline thrills, the island of Put-In-Bay is just a Ferry ride across the historical battle sight of The Battle of Lake Erie. Not only do we act as if a trip to PIB is a trip to Hawaii, but we also act like Lake Erie is a sanitary body of water. On the other hand, maybe your hobbies include some munchies and a movie, which Cleveland can master as well. Top-notch chocolate companies cannot and will not ever compete with Malley’s Chocolates. The Easter bunny thrives at Malley’s. And how about Presti’s Bakery in the 10-foot-long strip we like to call Little Italy? I actually lie in bed at night and try to figure out why they still don’t have a television show on TLC, and also why there are only five parking spots along the entire Italian strip. For the people who like to relax after a long day of work, or a lazy Sunday perfect for a movie marathon, what is better than watching a movie that was filmed in your city and stars your old neighbors? Paul Newman, Halle Berry, Drew Carey, Tom Hanks -- all from Cleveland. It’s obligatory to watch "The Christmas Story" marathon every holiday season, but it really hits home when you can say that not only was the movie shot in your hometown of Cleveland, but also that you’ve toured through Ralphie Parker’s house and rehearsed every line of the movie while doing so. “You’re gonna shoot your eye out, kid!”
The Bad
In the near future, people will be paid to pretend to be Cleveland Brown’s fans. Honestly, the games are downright painful to watch. If you can sit through an entire game without slipping out a curse word or even turning off the game, I stand on my feet and applaud you. I would not doubt it if statistically more people hate the Browns than the amount of people who hate the upcoming presidential candidates. The worst part is that not only is our team a consistent tragedy, but we Clevelanders continue to support them with high hopes at the beginning of every season. On a positive note, at least the Browns show up to play because the animals at the zoo are a whole other scene, or lack thereof. A trip to the Cleveland Zoo costs $15 to see 12 empty animal exhibits and three sleeping bears hidden behind boulders and trees. There is more animal excitement at a pet store. You are better off driving the two-hour drive to the Columbus Zoo, or even surfing the web for pictures of animals. Visitors pay to walk around what looks to be an old abandoned zoo, a perfect filming location for a zombie apocalypse movie.
The Ugly
Have you ever looked at your reflection in a pond and thought, “Wow, do I really look this distorted?” No matter how distorted water ripples make your reflection look, at least you can see a reflection. Attempting to see your reflection in our river is a major safety hazard -- you just might catch your face on fire. That’s right, our water is so polluted it has actually caught on fire, more than once! Continuing on with Cleveland’s water sources, we cannot forget to mention Lake Erie. If you were to hold a glass full of chocolate milk in one hand and a glass full of Lake Erie water in another, you will in fact be disgusted beyond belief at how identical the liquids in both vessels look. Not only is our Great Lake covering itself in algae, but it’s also covering our streets with snow. The magical thing we like to call, "lake effect." Sure, snow can be beautiful when it glistens off the bare tree branches, or fun to have around for a neighborhood snowball fight, but living near the snow belt is not always a grand ole time. Five feet of snow, 3 inches of ice, and a negative degree wind chill have absolutely zero chance of earning us Clevelanders a snow day. We are more likely to win the Mega Ball lottery than to make it to school without getting into a fender bender or landing ourselves in a ditch. Cleveland’s snow is a character of its own, but let’s not forget about our weekly weather, and again we can blame it on the lake effect. It is totally normal to see somebody jet skiing one day and snowboarding the next. It is more likely to have a white Christmas in July rather than the real celebration in December.
Although Cleveland does offer a handful of bad and ugly, Cleveland offers a lot more of the good. Others can mock our despicable sports performances or make fun of the way we pronounce our a’s, but to me, there is no other place that feels like home. No matter how gross Cleveland may be, you can find me eating a cannoli at Presti’s Bakery, celebrating St. Patty’s Day on Fourth Street, rocking a Browns jersey, and even swimming in the lake because to me Cleveland provides humor, and more importantly, Cleveland Rocks!
