Christmas is one of the greatest times of the year for us. Family, food, football, basketball, school breaks, but it's no longer enjoyable to me. Two chairs are empty where the glue of our family should be sitting.
Basically everyone in my dad's family can sing, and my Papaw would always sing with them while my Mamaw tapped her toes and sang quietly to one of us grandchildren. Unfortunately, they've both officially crossed the Jordan. I hate family gatherings and holidays now because my two favorite people no longer join us for them. It kills me. I can't listen to them sing anymore because the sound is different, it's unfinished. The family had a beautiful choir-like sound, but now they sound like a lame trio caroling in an empty backwards mall somewhere. That's not the Musick sound that I know and love dearly. They just simply don't sound as good as they did (sorry guys).
Now the food, guys…. My family can cook like Julia Child, but Christmas dinner isn't the same without Papaw's pumpkin loaf. My uncle has made it for the past 5 years, but we all know it isn't the same - even though it tastes almost identical. Mamaw always sat at the table and ate dinner beside me. We would just talk and joke, and now I sit alone. Which, since Papaw passed, I haven't hung out with my family as much as I used to. I don't have a conversation with anyone while I eat anymore because it isn't the same.
People say change is good and that change helps people move on, but I don't like change. Change makes me feel like I'm leaving the people that once held me together every time something went wrong, and that isn't okay. Change hurts.
Christmas Eve hurts. I hate getting invited to our family Christmas, because it isn't the same family anymore. It's only part of the family. Not to mention, a lot of the older cousins work now so it's really just a small portion of the family. I haven't seen some of my cousins in almost 5 years. Christmas isn't Christmas for me anymore - well not the family part anyways.
I still pray and thank God for His son and I still read the story in my bible, but Christmas is a time of mourning for me now. I don't laugh and cut up with everyone anymore. I sit in between the two empty chairs that we leave for our unseen guests. I know they're there, but I want to hear them singing and I want to eat dinner with them. I want to point out who made what - especially when my dish is the hit that year. I miss them. Christmas is a joyous time for everyone else, but Christmas is a difficult time for me.
