This year I decided to choose myself. When you choose yourself it’s a process, choosing yourself means cutting a lot of people out of your life. It means learning how to be alone. It means figuring out what you want and what you don’t; and figuring it all out on your own. It’s a hard choice and most people like I once did, decide to settle. They settle into the roles that were picked for them, they settle into choices that other people make for them, and they become comfortable. I was comfortable too, I knew who I was when I wasn’t putting myself first. I knew my spot when I let other people decide it for me. I knew who I was when I did not stand alone. I knew who I was, but I wasn’t happy. I felt discontent even though I lived, what most people would call, a happy life. I had great friends, a boyfriend, and my family life was finally peaceful. Yet I wasn’t happy.
I started the process of choosing myself when I began to look at colleges, and although I was making the first step, I refused to go alone. Instead, I tried to sway others to follow me to NYC for college. I did not know how to be alone because all my life I had been surrounded by people. It was very rare for me to spend a weekend completely at home. I was always with someone because I knew who I was when someone was next to me. I knew what role I had to play with which friends, what role I had to play in my family, etc. It left me feeling empty because, in the end, they were just roles. They weren’t real.
My senior year of high school began, and as everyone who knew me then knows, I was completely in the hoo rah do everything for the last time mode. By that time I was further on the road to having chosen myself. I had figured out what I wanted to do, or what I thought I wanted to do, and I’d enrolled myself into my first AP course for psychology. In comparison to previous years, things were definitely looking up. Nevertheless, as the year progressed the same feelings of discontent followed me. Although it was far from a constant feeling, discontent was the soundtrack that played in the background of my life.
Months went by and to my eyes, everything in my life was finally going well. I went out with my friends and my at the time boyfriend. I was passing my classes, and my college applications were coming along very well. I didn’t realize how toxic my life had become. How I’d grown comfortable with letting other people call the shots. I let people tell me where to go, how to spend my weekend, I even allowed my eating habits to be controlled. The only aspect of my life I fought to keep control of was college. The process of picking my college and getting in was the only thing I had control over back then.
I entered 2016 still believing I did not have a right to control my own life. My acceptance into my top college sparked the start of my fight to be in control. By getting into my top choice, I realized that I could control the outcome of things in my life. I began to push back, say no more and branch out into different groups. Those who watched my transformation said I was changing, and I was. At first, my efforts were mediocre at best because I still let myself be controlled by others for the most part. Finally one night in April the spell broke, and there was no going back.
I stopped letting people tell me how I should spend my time. I cut toxic relationships out of my life. I began to live my life on my own terms. I said no and I said it so many times. I kept people around me, who I actually wanted to be around. I graduated high school feeling ready to take on the world. Ready to figure out who I was in the world. I knew I did not want another person to define my life for me anymore. I wanted this new portion of my life to be focused on me.
Since then it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows. College was a shock, and for some time I felt I had lost my identity. I was unsure of what I wanted from life. Despite the emotional roller coaster that it has been I’ve learned a lot. I don’t need constant crowds. I know who I am even when I’m alone. So here I am, I’ve just finished my first semester of college. I have no boyfriend and not nearly as many friends as I used to, but I’m happy. The future still remains unclear but I’m not afraid of it anymore. I chose myself and it set me free.
