In 2014, I struggled with anger towards God. My friends were getting married, and I was more than disappointed that God had asked me to be single for that time in my life. As my hate for my Savior grew, one night he came to me in a dream that would wreck my life. I went to bed imagining that my sleep would be any normal sleep, but never in a million years did I imagine that God would speak to me that night through my dreams. I drifted off into a snooze, sinking away into my mind when all of a sudden, my dream became realistic. And today, three years later, I remember it just as vividly as I did that night.
Immediately, my peaceful snooze turned into a wedding. My wedding to be exact. I stood happily in the midst of several people as I joyfully prepared to walk down the aisle. I was wearing a beautiful ball gown dress with pure white flowing off my skin. My hair was pulled back into a gorgeous up-do and my hand clenched the yellow flowers tight. I looked down at my flowers, smiling, and thankful that I was about to marry the man that I so passionately loved (no particular man at the time.) I remember I was standing on almost a pedestal like the ones located at every dress shop to show off the bride. Mirrors surrounded me so I could see every gorgeous detail of my body. I was beautiful and ready for marriage.
Before I could leave my pedestal and walk to my groom, I remember seeing two very large wooden doors towering over me. Inside those closed doors, I could feel the Holy Spirit whisper to me, “missions.” Suddenly, in my spirit, I became so sad. As I stood in my wedding dress, I caught myself staring into space and thinking, “What if?” What if I married this guy and miss out on my calling? Does he have the same visions as I do for missions? What If I get married and start the life I have for me? How will I ever know what God had in store for my life? Would I miss out and would it matter?” My heart was torn completely in half. I was so in love with this man, but I was so curious and convicted about the calling God placed on my life. My love for God and marriage was equal. Choosing was a hard decision. God gave me the option of picking the life I desire or running towards the path He paved for me. I could not choose.
I woke up angry and extremely frustrated at Jesus. Why? Why would he make me dream such a horrible thing? I felt like God was taunting me, but finally, three years later, I understood what He was saying.
At that time, I was so consumed with the idea of being married that I didn’t even know myself. I didn’t care about the calling God placed on my life, and in fact, I wasn’t concerned if any man had the same calling as I did. I just wanted the satisfaction of company. One thing Jesus taught me through this dream is that when I’m concerned about what Jesus wants for me, I won’t feel the need to choose between things. Following God’s perfect plan for me and seeking His direction will never put me in a place to choose between what I want and what He wants because suddenly, I’ll begin to want what He wants.
