I have a tendency to either try to or successfully push people away when things get bad. It's one of my biggest flaws.
I try my best not to do it, but it always ends up happening. I always tell myself that they want to be here and they want to help me, but it never works. I end up shutting them out and trying to deal with things alone. It just seems to be easier that way. I don't have to explain why certain things upset me or why I feel the way I do.
I've managed to push away a lot of people I care about, but I know that the people I haven't been able to push away are here to stay for good. I hate that I do it, but no matter how hard I try, I can't escape it. It's just one of those things that never fully seems to go away.
It's a horrible thing, and to anyone I've pushed away, I'm sorry. I don't want to, but at the same time, it's all I want to do. I don't want to put my problems on other people when I know they have things to deal with on their own. I know that people want to help me, but for some reason, I just can't bring myself to let them. That mindset was the downfall of a super important friendship in my life, and now we barely even talk. All because I didn't want to be selfish and put my problems on them, even though it really isn't selfish.
I know I'm not the only person struggling with this. It's something a lot of people go through. Whether it be for a short amount of time or something they deal with their entire life. I can't offer much advice, but I can offer this. Find someone who you're comfortable with opening up to. Talk to them, let them in, and no matter what, don't try to push them away. If you can find that one person everything is easier.
You won't feel so alone. You won't feel so burdened with the weight of what's going on in your life once you share it with someone. Things will get easier and you'll find yourself being more comfortable with talking to more people. I have my person who I share everything with and then I have people I only share certain things with.
I know it's scary to open up. It makes you feel vulnerable, but once it's off of your chest, things feel lighter. I'm still working on this myself. You aren't alone in anything you go through, no matter how alone you may feel. There will always be someone willing to listen and offer advice, but you have to make the first step in taking it. Don't brush it off and say you're fine when the people who love you know you're hurting.