There comes a moment in every relationship when we are acutely aware of whether or not it will be forever. For those of us who haven't found our one, the only awareness we have been subjected to is that of doubt, of sadness, of fear, the feeling that what was once good will come to an end. Unfortunately, humanity has taught us to ignore our gut feeling. We are urged to persevere in every circumstance and we do. Why do we? That's another story. We seem to be driven by fear, by the hope of being perfect, by the aftermath of letting someone down. For these reasons we stay in our relationships, even when we know they are headed down a rocky path.

I continued on my rocky path for nearly a year. I suffered through verbal and emotional abuse. I let myself come to a point where I believed I wasn't enough. I have always taken pride in the fact that I know who I am, that I am strong and tough and never let anyone tell me who to be or how to act. As my relationship worsened, I lost this completely. I did the worst thing a girl can do, fall out of love with herself. I wish I could say that I snapped out of it fast, that I realized what was happening and adjusted accordingly. Not even close. So many of us today find ourselves in relationships that are harmful and unhealthy, toxic even. We know... In the back of our minds we are well aware of the damage being done and we don't stop it. I hope you gain the courage to stop, re-evaluate, adjust accordingly and remember to put yourself first.

I had been in my relationship for about a year and a half before it started going awry. My then boyfriend and I ended up at the same college after high school and things really just took a turn for the worst. I became completely withdrawn from nearly everyone. Jealousy issues were at the surface of every conversation, whether it was of time, other commitments, or new friendships being formed. I was a freshman in college and I was being suffocated. His behavior was manipulative and he had a way of controlling my every emotion and my every action. I became anxious and depressed. I allowed the act of being intimate to lose all meaning and become a way to gain his affection. If I withheld, I was rejected, ignored, and left feeling small and worthless. I wish that hadn't been all he wanted, but it always was. I let it go on in hopes that one of those times he would decide to stay and spend time with me after or that it would feel like more than just sex. It never did.

I can't remember a single day in those first two quarters of college that we actually enjoyed our relationship or got along. It was miserable. I was so trapped, I craved his attention and affection and I never received it in a way that truly satisfied me. I was being used and jerked around for someone else's pleasure and I broke down in every way. My weakness showed, I transferred colleges and moved back home. I couldn't tear myself away for the same reason most of us often don't leave our bad relationships. We are afraid of loss. We are afraid of starting over. We are afraid of what might happen to us if we choose to leave, what other people might think of us. We keep what is going on to ourselves. It feels like nobody will understand and that they will think poorly of us for staying in the situation. It is a viscous train of thought and it keeps us running on our never-ending hamster wheel despite our hearts and minds begging us to step off.

I moved away, but kept the relationship going for months after. Although, I was starting to make healthier decisions and gain perspective. It took one specific incident to tip me over the edge. He came home for my birthday and we spent the day together. On the way home, he fell asleep at the wheel and rear-ended me. This made me realize, not only could I not trust him with my safety but I could not trust him with my heart.

I am so lucky I moved away when I did. I think in so many ways I saved my life by making that choice. I needed to rebuild myself before I lost who I was entirely. By creating that bit of distance, I gained perspective on my situation. I realized that I had been wrong for putting myself through this for as long as I did. I found a counselor and eventually gained the strength to tear myself away from the relationship entirely. It was the reminder I needed to never lose sight of the person I am and hope to become, to not sacrifice myself, my values, or my dignity for anyone.

If you have experienced this, you know how important the choice to leave that portion of your life was. It is probably still one of the best decisions you have made. If you are in one of these relationships right now and know in your heart it is time to get out, I beg you to create some distance, assess, and get out while you still can. Relationships where we put up with any type of abuse are not meant to last. It is scary. It is hard. It takes the ultimate willpower to say goodbye to someone you thought you loved. I promise it is worth it. Making a decision for yourself like that is the most empowering experience. It puts you back in a mindset that is healthy and gives you a whole new sense of self. Remember you are confident, amazing and deserving of so much better.