I have always been a people person in life, seeking companionship through friendships, craving the warmth of a nearby friend. I never wanted to be alone, never really needed to be alone. While investing all my energy in those around me I lost track of the most important person in this equation, the one who needed me the most and the one I had chosen to neglect despite that being her biggest fear. I had somewhere along the way stopped loving myself, stopped believing in myself and essentially started avoiding myself.
Until the day I didn’t.
College is usually synonymous with the best years of your life, at least according to the generations before those of my age and even with my own generation. I believe that these years are going to be some of the most trying, rewarding and greatest days I have spent so far but I didn’t know what I was facing. I wasn’t ready to reach my lowest and have to find a new high. I wasn’t prepared for the challenges I was getting ready to face. I was homesick, tired and not myself at all. I was angry with those around me, taking my frustrations out on those that didn’t deserve it and yet there they stood. A line of supporters cheering me on while all I felt I was doing was failing. Drowning in the headline of failures that I thought I was continuously adding to my life resume, they were everywhere. The failures, at that moment I wish I had seen there was always a supporter and a positive right next to the failure. The things I wasn’t prepared for were the demons I needed to overcome to find myself again, the person that in it all I had lost. I didn’t know that I would be as homesick as I was, that I wouldn’t just miss the people in my home but the smell of the fresh air that doesn’t compare to the city. I would miss my best friend, even though she was only a phone call away, she wasn’t a ten-minute drive away. I missed some of the things I hated the most while I was there, the fact that you would go somewhere and know at least multiple people in the store, I missed the security. Until I discovered the greater things that were out there for me. I wasn’t ready to not succeed in the classes for my future career, I had my plan and I hadn’t had another one since I was 7 years old. But I didn’t succeed, I didn’t understand. I had always had to work hard to maintain my grades but my best has never fallen short of succeeding. Yes, I have failed. Failures teach the best lessons but I couldn’t figure it out. I always felt like I was one step behind those in my class, just trying to get by and pass. I didn’t want to simply just pass, I wanted to succeed, and I needed to for myself. My new career path wasn’t the right choice for me and I had no idea what was, until someone from my line of supporters pointed out a strength I had and they ignited the spark I needed. School wasn’t the cause, school was the thing that pushed me over the line, school is what showed me that it is up to myself to get what I want and accomplish all of my dreams. So I changed. I changed my major, I changed my dreams and I am happy. I am excited for the future. I am eager to learn and love going to class. I am taking control of my life and I am taking care of the most important girl in my life, me.
But that wasn’t the only change I needed to make, so it wasn’t.
In the time of losing myself and making sure everyone else was okay I didn’t learn how to say no, always doing whatever someone asked. I was worried that if I said no that I would let people down and that they would get mad and that’s absurd. I had people in my life that instead of simply acknowledging my niceness used it. They took advantage and I let them. The toxic people in my life were bringing me down, I didn’t want to be like that so I decided I wouldn’t be. I was ready to not be the weak and emotional person I felt others viewed me as because I have a voice and I have important things to say. I have plans to change the lives of people around me and I have plants to be great. It was time to stand up for myself, to make it clear what I wanted, to not let people take advantage of me, and most importantly to let go of those people so that I could grow. So I did. I said goodbye, I stood up and I am growing and changing for the better.
Though my hard times at this point do not compare to the hard times of others, they were my hard times. They were my low points that I had to overcome and I did. I fought to take control of my life and where I wanted to be. I am happy, so happy. I am working towards making myself better; getting great grades and loving those people I have in my life. Thank you to those that have been there for me, you will never know how grateful I am. And if you relate to this then know that you can change and you can be better and take control of your life. You can be great because you already are.
