For those of you who might have read some of my previous articles, you might know that I am French. I was born in the suburbs of Paris and moved to the United States when I was 10 years old. The suburbs and some of Paris is all that I had ever known. When I first arrived, the first thing I noticed was that everything was bigger. The buildings were tall and wide, the roads were large, and the houses were humongous. Everything was bigger. Everything was different from what I used to know. And from that first day in the United States, a lot of things have changed in my life. Here's the problem.

Let me explain.

My first day of school was terrifying. I entered 5th grade not knowing the language, not knowing the culture, and not knowing anyone. I couldn’t understand ANYTHING. All I heard was a mumble of harsh “RRRs” (Americans are known in other countries to roll their R’s like “dogs”). My parents accompanied me to my classroom and I didn’t want to see them go, but I had to. I told myself that I had to stay strong and keep myself from crying no matter what. In class, I had no idea what was going on. Everyone around me was talking and moving and making noise. I tried my hardest not to cry. I believe I did at some point, but I do not remember (not that I want to remember). Once everyone settled down, the teacher started talking. She talked for about 20 minutes until she introduced me to the class (I remember myself thinking over and over, “When is she going to introduce me to the class?” “What is happening?” or, “What is going on?”, while I was tearing up and trying to breathe to keep myself calm). I could tell she hadn’t introduced me because she barely looked at me and hadn’t mentioned my name. I was frozen in my seat and did not move one single little finger.

It is when she introduced me that I started mimicking my classmates. When all students took out a pencil, I took out my pencil. When everyone got up, I got up. When everyone stopped talking, I stopped talking. When kids did this, I did this. When kids did that, I did that. It even got to the point that in the lunch line, I would go to the side where there were more people and ended up not choosing the food that I wanted to eat. Not being able to understand a language affected me. I had to use body language and movement in order to understand others and situations until I started learning the language.

I tried to fit in as much as I could and start making friends, but it was hard. I tried to be as much as I could to be “American”. I was scared that if I didn’t fit in, that if I wasn’t American, I would go back to the same situation of that horrible first day of school. That traumatized me. I tried my hardest for so long to keep mimicking people. But some things got in the way of my “Americanization”.

The most prominent obstacle was my own culture.

The difference between my French culture and the American culture has many differences. The way that I was brought up by my parents was completely different from the way American kids have been brought up, which got in the way of my “Americanization”.

I could never quite fit in anywhere. I became both American and French. I was a mix of both cultures. I was different. The problem with a culture is that people don’t see their similarities with you; they only see the differences.

I will never truly fit in anywhere.

People see how I contrast with them.

Even though I know that I’ll never be able to fit in completely, I still subconsciously try to fit in. Every time I make a new friend, I’ll subconsciously mimic them, say things they would say, talk the same way they do, do the same things they do, be interested in things they are interested in. I would never mimic 100%, but there are particular things that I would start picking up from the way they are, from their attitudes. This effect has been both positive and negative. This effect brought me to the conclusion that I am vulnerable and very influenceable. Because of this, I tried my best to stay away from bad influences.

I then realized that I would never truly be myself either. I wasn’t original and everything that I did or said did not 100% come from me.

With further thought, I then realized that all my encounters, all the friends I’ve had, are what make me who I am. I am just a little bit of this person and a little bit more of that person. I’m a cultural and individual mix of multiple personalities, whether they are French, American, Indian, Mexican, Korean, or any culture that I’ve had the chance to encounter.

I am proud to be both French and American. I am proud to say that I carry a few of my friends every day. I am also thankful for them to have subconsciously allowed me (and still allow me) to mimic them.