Unlike most people who have come and gone out of my life, you were different. There was never a goodbye and I never had hard feelings towards you. But still, you left without reason and I'll never know or understand why.
"Everyone has a best friend during each stage of life, but only lucky ones have the same friend in all stages of life."
Here is a quote that I only wish wasn't so true. A book of pages unfinished. You were with me in my diaper stage, my pre-school stage, my grade school stage, my high school stage, and my early adulthood stage, but you won't be in my adult stage of life. I guess I'm not lucky enough to know what it would've been like to have the same best friend for all stages of life.
We met when we were three and four years old. We lived close by eachother, but ironically we did not meet until we attended pre-school and gymnastics together. You were a year older than me and I thought it was so amazing having a friend in the pre-k class. I looked up to you. I admired you for being older and having experienced everything first, ever since we were toddlers.
Admiration. A word I am just realizing in this moment, I had always associated with you. Unlike most people, you never took advantage of my passive personality. You saw me as an equal and never made me feel like you were above me. For a person like myself, people like this are few and far between. Most people don't intentionally take over my passive personality, but it always happens, with every person I meet. But not with you. I looked up to you and you were my role model. You had the best advice, from childhood games to boys.
I was upset when I was in middle school and you began high school at another school. We had a two year gap where we didn't talk. I missed you and I was devastated. But, like friends do, we came back to each other. You transferred to my high school when I was a sophomore and I wasn't thrilled. When started hanging out again and you even hooked me up with a prom date who would become my boyfriend of two years.
Two summers ago, something happened. I messaged you to tell you I was sorry to hear that your family member died. You said thank you. A few days later I messaged you to tell you I broke up with my boyfriend and I thought it was very odd that you didn't respond. That day in fact, I was telling him how much I loved you and how amazing of a friend you were. That same day, you decided we were no longer friends, without ever telling me.
A few weeks went by of you ignoring texts and it was odd. I went on Facebook and I was shocked to learn that we were no longer Facebook friends. I messaged you with confusion. You wrote back that I was not supportive when your family member passed and that I was more concerned about my hair. All I remember was messaging you to see when you could dye my hair, about a week after your loss. I understand everyone grieves differently, and perhaps this was your way of grieving. But it still confuses me.
I messaged you to say sorry within minutes of learning about your loss. I waited days before I asked you about my hair. I'm still wondering what I might've done wrong. I guess I'll never know. When I texted back confused, you ignored me and I never heard from you again. You never added me back on social media and you never texted me back. You never took a minute to read my texts about not understanding what I did wrong and you never cared. I tried reaching out multiple times to try to explain my side and to understand why you were upset with me, but you never responded. It's been almost two years since you sent that text and I haven't heard from you since.
I keep replaying that week in my head trying to somehow make the situation my fault. I thought of everything I had said and done. Yet, as hard as I try, I can't understand what I did wrong.
You know the quote about the snake that bites and then says, "you knew I was a snake when you picked me up"? That's you. I knew you were going to bite. I knew because you had bit other friends in the past. You were one to hold grudges and always have it your way. You didn't accept apologies or forgive. But you never bit me before, so that's why I was so hurt. You were my role model, but I was insignificant to you.
I'm not mad at you for leaving. I'm just frustrated that you never took a second to let me explain that if I did hurt your feelings, it was not intentional. I'm mad that you never took a second to stop and realize that there was another side to the story. I'm mad that you never fully explained what I did wrong. You left me wondering forever if maybe, somehow, it was all my fault. Yet, you wave when you drive by my house in your car. Save your waves. If I'm not worth a minute to read a message, than you aren't worth it to me. It saddens me that your stubbornness ruined a friendship for virtually no reason, but as I said, I knew you were a snake when I picked you up.
I wish you a life of joy, love, and kindness. I enjoy watching your Snapchat story and seeing the rare pictures that your parents post of you on Facebook. I love seeing your comments on other people's statuses to know that you are doing well. I get happy when I hear of your success. But like most sad endings, this is one sided. And it'll be that way. I am crazy to say that after all this, if you texted me tomorrow, I'd take you back in a heartbeat. It's wrong of me to do that, but once a best friend, always a best friend. But you won't text me tomorrow, or ever, so I guess that is a possibility that will never matter.