My mother is a very blunt woman. She 100 percent believes in mind over matter, and if she doesn’t like something I’m saying, doing, or wearing she isn’t afraid to let me know it. On top of all of that, she expects more from me than anyone else does. The combination of all of this definitely leads to us butting heads.
When I was little and my mom would critique something I did, discipline me, or say I wasn’t allowed to do something, I would look at her and say, “Mama, that’s not very nice!”, and without fail, every time, she would say, “At the end of the day my job is to be your mother and to raise you to be a hardworking and well put together girl. My decision right now might upset you, but it’s my job to be a good mother, it’s not my job to be your friend.” I used to think this was the harshest thing in the world. There were mothers and daughters everywhere who call each other their best friends, why did mine claim that it wasn’t her job?
It turns out being “my mother, not my friend” was one of the greatest gifts my mom could have given me. Now that I’m older and out of the house, whether she’d admit it or not, there are many aspects about my mother and I’s relationship that revolve around us being friends. That being said, she will never lose my respect as my mother.
My older sister and I joke about my mother all of the time. I often say that if you go to my mom proud about a 98 percent on a test, she will genuinely congratulate you, then mention aiming for a 99 percent or a 100 percent the next time. My sister says that in college her friends would joke, “You worry more about your appearance and looking good right before your mom comes than you do for a sorority formal.” This is all true, and sometimes it’s exhausting. It’s easy to wish for the mother who calls you pretty when you’re in your pajamas and coddles you after you failed your test. I would do anything to never again hear the phrase “You girls would look so much better if you put a little lipstick on!”, but at the end of the day, my mother raised us to never do or look any less than our best. Lucky for us, she’s smart enough to realize that our best is often even better than we could have ever imagined striving for.
On top of raising us to be go-getters, my mother raised a group of tough cookies. Her critiques prepared us for the punches that come in the real world. My sister said it best, “Having a harsh mom really helped me be tough. I might get mad at what you say, or disagree with it, but there’s very little that you could say that would hurt my feelings and make me sad.” And she’s right. Harsh mothers teach you that the critic is either correct, in which case you need to self-evaluate, correct, and learn from your mistake, or the critic is wrong in their opinion of you, in which case you need to be confident in who you are, and their opinion shouldn’t bother you anyway.
Today marked the last day of me working a conference for my mom, and the difficulties of having a mom with high expectations are definitely emphasized when she becomes your boss at work. As much as it might feel at times that the instant gratification of “You’re doing so good!” throughout each day would have helped me get through the work week, absolutely nothing beats the “You worked really hard, thank you so much, I really appreciate it!” that I got at the end this week, because when a mother with high expectations compliments you, you know she 100 percent means it, and that’s the best feeling in the world.
Kids of harsh mothers, hang in there! It’s easy to wish for a mom who is impressed with every single thing you do—but as frustrating as it may be for you when your mom is your harshest critic, it’s the best feeling in the world when you do something that makes her your number one fan.
