I went through so much the night my dad almost died. Actually I believe he did, he just wasn't ready to stay that way. He fought his way back. But I remember our life together flashing before me and I didn't like all of what I saw. I didn't like the gaps. I saw so many gaps. I realized I missed out. I don't know him like I want and should. I don't have the bond I want yet. He can't go now! We have things to do. He has to know his son the way he knew his daughter. He has to know me. He has to teach me. I need him. He needs me. That night was so weird.
The way I felt was weird. I was scared at first, of course. But then I felt this energy. I felt an overwhelming energy and I felt… i don't know. Maybe it was Dad. I just remember stepping away but not being able to look away. I remember being stuck. Time slowed. Darkness surrounded and all I could see was Dad lying there. A part of me died, but another part held tightly. That part called out to him over and over and over. Physically I was silent and still. Inside I wasn't silent but I was still. Then he woke. He woke and another type of energy hit. A strong one, relief. Then hope and still the steady one. I helped and followed him to the back. I rubbed his ankles and feet because I remembered my grandmama telling me why a doctor rubbed hers when I asked. In that moment I didn't care about pride or if that was supposed to be a “woman's thing.” All I cared about was comforting and calming and saving my father. My thoughts?
We can't make up for thirty years but why can't we make the next however many better?
Why must anyone lose out now?
Why must the cycle repeat itself?
Why am I wrong for needing AND wanting him in my life?
I won't lose you anymore. I won't walk away from you EVER. We will have that bond the we once had but better.
The next time the afterlife calls I won't be ready. I will never be ready. I will, however, have more than gaps. No more gaps. You gave me life as well as my mother. So you will be in my life. You ARE me. The next time, you won't die, you will live through me.
We have a second chance, deserving or not, and it will be great. We won't be sorry ever again.
Fast forward ten months and here I am again. He was almost taken away. Except this time, it was you and me. You tried to take him and I almost let you. I almost walked away, but then I realized I don't have to. No one needs to but if anyone does it will be me from you.
I remember it so well. You were talking and suddenly you weren't there. Everything was magnified even sound. The outside muted while inside was louder. Boom. Boom. I can hear my heart beating rapidly. Then I heard my breathing. I looked at my body because I thought I was bleeding. For some reason I felt shot. I've never been shot so I don't know how it feels, but in that moment I thought I was.
The everything zoomed back out. I looked at you still talking and still didn't hear much. The thing is that I saw everything. I could see with so much clarity the truth. My truth.
And that is, yes, maybe me the person you “love.” But the reason for me, you hate. It's my existence. It's that I'm not yours. I'm his.
And you will never be that close. You will never replace me. That if it ever comes to you or me, it's me. Y'all may end but me and him never will. That's what the problem is.
I just might be the closest immediate family he has and I will never leave him. I AM him. Nobody in this world can say that except for me.
That is the problem but you know what? That is YOUR problem.
You shot me down with your words and the devil almost shot back. However, Chaz the God showed up and not Chaz the Devil. So all is intact, but I want you to know something.
Things happen for a reason. You may not like it. You may not understand but you cannot change them. You can either grow and adapt or you can stay the same and be left behind. I will never go away. Death cannot take me away. I'm a part of every breath my parents take. Just as they are a part of every one I take. And NOTHING can ever take that away.
The choice is yours. Accept me or leave me alone.
Dealing with family can be hard, very hard. A few things that will always help is honesty, accountability and acceptance. Stay honest with yourself so that you can honest with everyone else. Be accountable for your own actions and words. When you are wrong, admit it and fix whatever that can be fixed. Let go of the pride and selfishness. Selfishness will get you just that… left by yourself. Lastly accept others. You have to accept that you are not the last or only person your partner needs. You may be the last and only partner but you will never be the only family. You can never erase the past. So accept it for what it is and build a better NOW. All we ever have is right now. If you remained worried about the past and expecting it to be the future then you lose before you even begin building anything. A house cannot be built steadily on shaky grounds.
My final comment is about love. I once read that we make every decision either out of fear or out of love. Learn what love means and love yourself. Then and only then can you truly love another.
Disclaimer: This article was not written to call out anyone. It was written to show families how they can affect one another. Parents your relationships do effect your children. Never let them feel as if they have become less of your life because you have a “new life.” And “new life” don't resent the old because the old is what molded your partner into what attracted you. Children are irreplaceable. Parents are irreplaceable. Don't force that hand because you just may be the replaceable one.
