Religion is something that I was given as a baby but was never taught anything about. My parents both believe in God, thus they baptized my brother and I as Christians before I could even comprehend the word "God." Growing up, my family didn't attend a regular church. This was due to the fact that my parents were different religions and couldn't come to mutual agreement on a specific church around us. Therefore, the only time I attended a church was on Sunday mornings after a sleepover with my friend. To be honest, I never listened to what the pastor or priest was saying, but I sang and danced to the songs with my friends because we were too young to understand any of the meaning of what was happening.
Having said that, I didn’t attend a church with my family. It was a correct assumption that I didn’t participate in the activities involving church such as Sunday School or Confirmation, and I didn’t learn anything about the Bible or God until going to the play "Behold the Lamb" set up by a local church. Even then, I didn’t understand what anything meant, and as a freshman in high school I was turning to my mom asking, “Why is this happening?” and “But why did it happen?”
Perhaps the word "faith" doesn't resonate with me as it does with other people. I am thoroughly confused to this day as to how a book of verses and scripture makes people suddenly able to decide on large societal issues such as gay marriage, which shouldn’t concern anyone but the two who are being joined. Scripture from the Bible is quoted in various settings throughout the government. It has always alarmed me that there is supposed to be a separation between Church and State, yet the State of Indiana is unable to purchase alcohol on Sundays because it is God’s day. Does that sound separate to you?
I didn’t start to question my personal religion until dating my current boyfriend. His family is mildly religious, meaning that they all believe in God and pray a lot, go to church as often as their schedules allow and participate in church-run activities such as small groups and youth groups. They once invited me to go to their church with them, and I accepted not knowing that it was going to be an hour and a half-long spiel of things that I didn’t understand and ultimately found extremely boring. The theme of the service I attended was about water and how God is in all forms of life. To say it went over my head is an understatement.
I have never fully believed in one ultimate God because I think that it seems too unbelievable for a single being to have created a race and be able to see and feel what every human is doing/believing, but I do think that there is a higher power above. I want to believe that when I die, I am not going to just vanish. Whether it be afterlife in Heaven (or Hell) or reincarnation, I want to still be alive in some aspect.
What do I believe? To me, I don’t have faith and I can admit that because the physical proof of God isn’t there to me. I ultimately don’t think he is real. I can also admit that I am turned off by most Christians because I feel as though they are judging me for not being one of them and consistently try to tell me that Christianity is the best religion because it makes the most sense. Maybe, because I don’t believe in God, I am considered an Atheist. Maybe, because I want reincarnation, I am considered a Hindu, or because I was baptized Christian, I am considered that.
Whatever I am, I don't care.
I don't want to be labelled because I don’t know enough about all the religions and I refuse to be the average religious person, baptized and forced to go to church as a child and then perpetuating the vicious cycle that they hated by forcing their children to endure the same thing.
It does annoy me when others ask my religion and upon hearing the answer I give, “I don't know,” give me a face of bewilderment and dissatisfaction. However, I no longer care because I plan to figure out what I believe or don’t believe through education and through experience. I don’t need to figure out whether or not I am Christian today, tomorrow or next week.
Christians can tell me I am sinning or being sent to Hell, and I will continue to be terrified of Hell and the Afterlife of the Human Race, but I am not going to fake believe in something, because in my world, that is considered the biggest sin of all. Instead of conforming to a certain group, I have decided to create a new label/box for people to check in surveys about religion; “IDK”. This means you're just living your life, whatever life is, and figuring out who/what you are along the way, without any strings attached.
