By nature I am not a very confrontational person. I do not like to rock the boat, I do not like having to tell someone something which I know they would rather not hear. Especially with my friends, those close to me, those I risk losing.

It was only very recently this year, when I even began to surprise myself. How through much prayer, advice-seeking, and more prayer, did I begin to feel more convicted and emboldened by God to share to those not only the gospel, but to really speak up about things that I noticed were going wrong in their lives, things that need to be changed, things they needed to change themselves.

I had always been a firm believer in speaking up when something is wrong, I was just always afraid to be the one to do it. So when I noticed one of my close friends engaging in something very wrong, unproductive, and even destructive to her own life, I felt like I HAD to tell her.

And so, after months of mustering up the courage, I did. I talked to my friend, scared to death that our friendship would be ruined, but confident that I had obeyed my conscience and did something right. I had been so strong in my convictions, so hopeful that she would open her eyes to realize the truth, to see the light as I saw it. And yet, a few weeks later, it was as if nothing changed. Thoroughly discouraged, I again prayed for weeks, asking God to give me the courage, the wisdom, the words to share again. And so I did, although my mouth had opened multiple times before sound came out. I rambled on, trying to get her to understand, trying to relate to her, trying to piece together metaphors, analogies, any type of argument or reason that would be convincing, trying to break into her small cracks of vulnerability.

And again, nothing changed, at least nothing that I have observed. It was as if my words had gone into one ear remained within for the meager minutes we were talking, and were flushed out the moment the conversation had ended. I was extremely discouraged. And soon, my discouragement grew to frustration.

I wanted to shake her by the shoulders, shout to her in her face, cry out. It was so frustrating to me, because I wholeheartedly believe in and KNOW the truth, I can see what is right from wrong, I want to help. Why didn’t she just understand that? Why couldn’t she see?

I think people often forget that when others confront them, most of the time it is out of concern and love. No one is ever going to go to their friend and confront them about something out of personal malice and spite.

I speak up about things because I care about you- if I didn’t it would mean I probably don’t consider you a close enough friend. I speak up about something, because I am more willing to lose our friendship than to see you continue on in something that I know is wrong. I share with you because I genuinely want to help you, to show you another perspective, to show you something different. As the cliche saying goes, “your friends will be the first to tell you the things you don’t want to tell yourself”.

I think a lot of the times, in friendships and relationships in general, we are transfixed upon the notion that we can help, that we can reason and talk, that we can change someone. But we can’t do anything. It took me all of these times, all of these experiences to realize; people will not change unless they want to be changed. Nothing you say to them, confront them about, beg them with, will change their hearts. You cannot place a desire in someone to want to change. Yes, you can help them realize why they need to change, or why they should change, but you cannot change them. You cannot will someone’s heart - only God can do that.

I had recently stumbled upon a quote that reads, “You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions.”

This quote resonates with me, because it told me something that I needed to hear, something that I needed to understand myself. My friend’s actions to me, are red flags, warning signs, things that I had so desperately wanted to address. But to my friend, it is the everyday, the comfortable known. And no matter how strong I am in my beliefs, no amount of my practiced prose or persuasive reasoning can make my friend want to change, to believe otherwise. It’s not something that I can simply get her to “see”.

So what can we do? We can continue to pray, continue to share, continue to speak, even though our voices may be trembling. We continue to plant the seeds in their hearts, fueled with trust that God would allow them to grow. Let us not let our fear of being uncomfortable prevent us from doing what is right.

Though we cannot change people, we continue to preserve in the hopes that they will find the courage within themselves to change on their own. And how sweet will it be when they finally do.